I love my children.  Really, I do.  They keep me sane and crazy all at the same time.  If you have a child/children, you know what I mean.  I have a reason to get out of bed everyday, and I have a million reasons why I collapse in a heap at night.

Here’s a summary of each child’s personality and role in the family:

Big E:  Oldest.  First Born.  Man-child.  He’ll be 16 in a few months.  He’s taking driver’s ed this week.  After years of watching and critiquing my driving (most famous quote here is “Just HIT ‘EM!), playing video games, and most recently “knowing EVERYTHING”, I guess I just assumed that he COULD drive.  I took him driving Saturday in our neighborhood.  I was shocked and appalled at his lack of skills.  I can’t believe that he’s going to have a license soon.  I’m afraid.  You should be also if you live within a 50 mile radius of Alexandria.  He’s been a handful since birth.  In daycare, I used to get frequent phone calls because he would get stuff stuck in his nose, ears, and once got a portable potty seat stuck on his head.  Currently, he hates school and resists all forms of authority.  He’s truly a smart ass, and I’ve no idea where he gets that from.  I certainly don’t condone such personality traits.

Tween C:  Typical middle child syndrome.  She’s newly 12.  She’s turning into a young lady and I hate it.  She’s starting to call me on my BS, which is unsettling.  She is smart and has been self-sufficient since she was like 3.  When she was in pre-k, she would get up and get dressed all by herself.  I very seldom have to help her with homework.  She keeps up with important dates and papers related to school and gives me timely reminders on what I’m supposed to be doing.  If you ever need help remembering something, just call her and tell her and she’ll keep up with it for you.  She’s beautiful, which is going to be a big problem.  She is a big helper around the house and with the little kids, though her main tool of motivation is yelling.  I don’t know where she gets that from.  I certainly don’t condone such personality traits. 

Little B:  Newly 5 and every Kindergarten teacher’s worst nightmare.  He wants things his way or no way.  He’s demanding, stubborn and very very loud.  I really think that I need to take him to get his hearing checked.  Not because he doesn’t listen, but because he will come right up to you and yell, “MOM! HEY MOM!”  Surely he can’t hear himself.  Is it possible for people to lose Internal hearing only?  I need to look that up.  He’s also the sweetest thing when he wants to be.  He’ll hug and kiss you as long as you want.  He’ll thank you for the most mundane things and remind you that you did something nice for him yesterday.  He asked me yesterday if I remembered when he was “borned”.  I told him of course I did.  I asked him if he remembered it, and he said, “I sure do, and I remember that I did not join this family until I was zero years old.”  He then asked if I remembered our family before he was “borned” and said that he couldn’t remember that far back.  He uses adjectives like “magnificent”, “powerful” and “enormous”.  He finishes my sentences for me when I forget my words, even when I’m correcting him.  He’s really something.

Little A:  Newly 4.  She and Little B are only 12 months and 12 days apart, and are in constant competition with one another.  One minute they are giggling and laughing together, and in a split second, it can turn into a dog fight.  Literally.  They leave marks on one another.  It’s disturbing.  Separately, though, she is the sweetest child I’ve ever known.  She loves everyone and everything, and she’s never met a stranger.  We can be walking through the grocery store, and she will waive at people and say hello, like “Hey, guys!”  She makes up elaborately long stories about princesses and dragons and everyone in the family gets a character and a role to play in her stories, even our pets (some of whom are no longer alive).  She’s usually the hero in her stories, but sometimes it gets to be me or her daddy.  This morning’s story ended in me having to sit in the backseat of the car from now on and only daddy could drive because the monster stole my arms but daddy saved me with his sword.  And her facial expressions when she tells her stories makes you believe every word.

Put all these kids together, and you get a crazy-ass household 24/7 – 365.  People come over but they really don’t stay long.  We used to get invited over places but now, not so much.  And that’s all okay.   My family is our own little biosphere.   My oldest kids sometimes announce that I should have stopped at 2 kids.  When something goes wrong they tell me that they didn’t decide to have more kids, I did, and that everything is therefore, my fault.

Truth be told, I had no intentions of ever having a big family.  I was happy with two.  We got them done early and planned to raise our kids and when they were out of the house I wouldn’t even be 45.   Instead, Little B was a surprise, ten years after my first child was born and 7 years after my second.  I was happy, but decided three was entirely too many and to make sure that was it, I had my tubes tied after Little B was born.  Three months later, I found out that I was pregnant again.  Apparently the doctor didn’t get his “knots” badge as a boyscout.  I was so depressed about it I wouldn’t even talk about it until like a month before Little A was born.  After she was born, I went back in for surgery to revise the tubal ligation.  I pulled the nurses down real close to me before the procedure, and told them that I wanted my tubes cut, tied, burned, yanked out, thrown on the ground, stomped, and then collected and put in a jar that I could set on my bed side table.  They laughed, but I didn’t.  Now, we’ll be raising kids until we are like 84. 

This year, I will have a kid in high school, one in junior high, one in kindergarten and one in pre-k.

Pray for me.  And pray for them.  For I know not what I am doing.


About zohrbak

Zohrbak is an old email username I had a while's a made-up twist on two characters from Spaceghost. Zorak and Brak. I'm a geek. I am a married, working mother of 4 children, ages 4-15. I also have interests outside of my children, but I can never remember what they are.
This entry was posted in bad kids, crazy kids, Family, Humor, Parenthood and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to KIDS

  1. Pat says:

    Can’t wait for the “parents” blog!

  2. Aimee says:

    HEY, I invited you and your heathens to visit me and my heathens!

    I love this blog…..

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