If you know me at all…and those of you who’ve read these posts I would say know me pretty well…then you must know that I’m the Procrastination Queen. If I haven’t stressed that enough in these lines, then just trust me on this. I put off the most ridiculous things and then stress about them. It’s almost as though I am so used to stress, that I’m more comfortable in stress mode, and do things to purposely remain in that state. What if, one day, everything was kosher and I didn’t have a valid reason to be stressed out? What then? I don’t think I’ve ever really experienced that before, and so I wouldn’t know what to do. So, I continue to put off things so that I can remain in a constant state of worry.
I consider myself to be a pretty open minded person. I read a lot of books about how the human mind ticks, self-help books and the like. I’m pretty sure that I know the steps I should consciously take to correct this problem, and yet, I do nothing. It’s like a a time-bomb that I could dismantle if I really wanted to, but the sound of the ticking comforts me in all it’s glorious consternation. I know this sounds illogical, but I really think that this is how my mind works. If I have this stupid stuff to focus on, then maybe I don’t have to focus on the big stuff. Or maybe, you say, I’m just lazy.
I don’t consider myself lazy. In general, I do not sit around and do things like watch television to prevent myself from doing the “Big Thing” on my mind at that moment. I do every other possible thing I could do. Even things that I don’t particularly like doing, I will do just to have an excuse not to do the Big Thing. A couple of weekends ago…when I had prepped my mind to go through the mountains of paperwork in my bedroom and get it organized (Big Thing), I cleaned my house first, and when I was done with that and had nothing really more to do, other than the Big Thing, I resorted to cleaning out my kitchen cabinets, scrubbing the ceiling and walls in my kitchen and re-organizing the dishes and things inside the cabinets. Was that something that I really wanted to do? No. Did it need to be done? Sure, whose doesn’t? But it kept me busy just long enough to make the Big Thing disappear into the back of my mind. And I still haven’t done the Big Thing.
Sometimes the Big Thing is not a big thing at all. Sometimes it’s something simple, like going to the bank or stopping to get gas. Seriously. It’s like my mind randomly selects which tasks it’s going to blockade, with no real rhyme or reason to it. Currently, that random thing is returning books to the library. They are overdue. I’m not telling you how overdue they are, but trust me, it’s ridiculous. I find a little comfort in the fact that there is a maximum fine per book, but I’ve no idea what that maximum is. I’m sure I could’ve bought the damn books by now.
Aside: One of the books I checked out was “Have a New Kid by Friday.” I raced home and immediately began reading it, for obvious reasons. One of the author’s major points in this book is that you are not to repeat yourself to your children, because this offends them as it implies that they did not understand you the first time. So, let’s say your 4 year old wants a second piece of cake, you say “No” once and walk away. And that’s the end of it. Right? Wrong! The author does not take into account that children are not static creatures. They will follow you around and continue to ask for the cake. I can’t believe this guy got a book deal! A more realistic book about how to raise your children should be written by someone who’s not afraid of being looked upon as a child abuser. It’s okay to spank your children, people. It gets their attention. Trust me on this. You can even call them “beatings” because that word really makes an impression. You don’t actually beat them. You just threaten to beat them, and then if that doesn’t work, you spank them and then they think they’ve gotten a beating, and they stop sticking the fork in the outlet. If this does not work the first time, then rinse and repeat. I suppose this would be more like a pamphlet, because this is all you really need to know. Oh, and make sure they brush their teeth.
Sorry. I needed to say that, since I was talking about the books.
When I do mess up and actually accomplish a Big Thing, I feel GREAT afterwards. So, why wouldn’t I want to have THIS feeling all the time? Why is my mind wired so screwy? How can I be conscious of all of this, and still continue to act this way? Why not just be an adult and do this stuff? Maybe it’s my subconscious’ way of rejecting adulthood and responsibility.
Does anyone else put this much thought into their habits and short comings? Or am I just way out there on this one?
I’ve gotta go now. I need to get to the Library.