My 15 year old son, Big E, came out of an x-box-induced coma yesterday. He’s been in his room playing x-box live for about a month solid. He only came out of his room long enough to eat and go to the bathroom. It had been nearly a month since I had received a stupid text message from him (that’s how we communicate, sending random retarded text messages to one another). I was starting to miss him.
The last round of retarded text messages went something like this:
E: When’s the next time we can go to hastings? After the eye doctor you say? Mmmm…Yes, sounds good. After the eye doctor we shall go to hastings. It is settled. Good chat old mate. Good chat.
Z: I’m on my way to get you to go to the eye doctor? Are you ready?
E: Did you read my txts?
Z: Yes. I have to go right back to work. No to hastings. Did you brush your teeth?
E: I’ll brush my teeth if you agree to take me to hastings after.
Z: You will brush your teeth or I will turn around now and go back to work. I’m not taking you out in public if you don’t brush your teeth.
E: Public = hastings?
Z: No. Public = eye doc.
E: … I am sad now.
So, we get to the eye doctor. While we are sitting in the waiting room, right next to one another, we continue the inane texting.
E: ello govna, I understand that you refuse to agree to our terms that we had agreed upon. This is not acceptable. If you continue to refuse the conditions that you agreed upon…Well, lets say the king will decide who lives and dies. I understand that the american way may be to back out of situations, but this is not america old chum. I hope you reconsider your previous actions and plan a new course, because this ship is sinking, and you need to find a new one. It was nice talking to you old lad, but I’m sad to say next time I’ll have to use more than words.
My son likes British accents and phrases. He uses them all the time.
By this time, we have been moved to the back, and are waiting on the eye doctor to come in.
Z: I hope that you consider the consequences of your threats, kind sir. Back in the day, my family would have thrown an author of such statements into a boiling pot of oil sooner than to see a kinsman mocked. I will try to conserve my judgment oh young one, for I feel as though surely thou jests as yea cannot know the brevity of thoust actions. The king, my friend is certainly not thy. And yes, the king shall decide who is right and whose body shall be shoved in a freezer. It is thy. It is thy.
I hit send. It takes a few seconds, he reads it, we giggle. The eye doctor comes in the room, and we both hide our cell phones like 3rd graders hiding toys when the teacher comes around.
Then he gets his eyes dilated, and we are put into another waiting room.
E: Dear American, you seem to have misplaced your judgment. You must not understand your situation. The people closest to you will be harmed due to your actions. You are in no position to be threatening to stuff me in a freezer. You will receive at message at Destination X. Do not miss this opportunity, it may be your last. the only reason I’m giving you this opportunity to reconsider your course of action is because of our understanding of each others current position on the dilemma at hand, but be warned, I have very little to lose from this, and you have everything on the line. As I have stated in the previous message, I am forced to use more than words. I have poisoned your dog, your children, and your husband. If you wish for them to survive, well, you know what I want. If you recall what happened to the last american to oppose what we want, you will not want the same fate. If you hold any value for the lives of those you love and your own, please, continue with the operation. Taking the lives of people that aren’t involved isn’t in the interests of our members, but when deemed necessary, we will act. And on a different note, the king is most definitely on our side, and wishes to speak with you, person to person. If you fail to attend this meeting, he will discontinue all ties with your family. We know your every movement, action, thought, ideas, and your many, many faults. If you ignore everything that has happened and take the cargo to the area, allow it to do as it wishes, and bring it back, I will make sure that this all goes away. I hope the best for you and your family, and wish that things did not have to be this way. When you receive this message, respond as soon as you can. If you have any delay…well —
The doctor called us back in, and in a flash we were done. I brought him back home. I did not bring him to hastings. None of the threats came to fruition. We laughed about it at dinner, and tried to read the silly texts to the rest of the family, but they didn’t get it. We learned that day that no one in our family gets our sense of humor.
So, he broke his x-box yesterday. It got overheated. (I can’t imagine WHY). Now he’s forced to converse with me again. It won’t be fixed and shipped back for at least three weeks. 🙂