Coffee is my Crack


I need coffee like a crackhead needs to score a fix. [I don’t know if that’s the right drug-terminology. I’ve heard that in movies and stuff but I don’t know if it applies to crackheads or not, so if I’m wrong, please feel free to correct me, but then everyone will know that you know ENTIRELY TOO MUCH about crackheads, which might raise suspicions about your extra-curricular activities. But ahem, this post is about coffee anyway, and I know PLENTY about that.]

Well, maybe not quite as bad as a crackhead, but my drug-of-choice is getting a little out of hand. My deal is that when I like something, I go overboard with it. It pervades my life. I drink two to three cups of coffee when I get up at 6 a.m., I drink two cups of coffee when I get to work before lunch. I drink at least one more cup of coffee after lunch. I take extreme care in how each special cup of coffee is prepared. Two Splendas or Sweet’n’lows and LOTS of powdered non-dairy creamer. No water-me-coffee-down liquid stuff here! And I used to take regular sugar, but when I added it up–three teaspoons of sugar times 6-7 cups a day times 7 days a week–I realized why my ass was growing, since that equals like a 5 pound bag of sugar per week. Since switching to artificial sweetener, my ass has not shrunk one inch, and it’s been 8 months. I guess I quit it just in time, or I would have had to buy a wheelbarrow to tote my big ass around by now.

When I let myself consume coffee constantly and the number of cups per day grows to an unreasonable number, I develop headaches. I know this to be the case. However, I forget that these headaches are being caused by the caffiene, and so I just keep lapping it up, and complaining about my headaches until finally my BFF reminds me, “Didn’t you have headaches a while back and we figured out you were drinking too much coffee? How much coffee are you drinking?” “Uh. I think I had like 9 cups yesterday.” DUH! What a moron! So, I taper my coffee intake back slowly until I’m down to a reasonable 5 or 6 cups a day (reasonable to ME) and the headaches stop. It’s magical. But, then, I slip back up to 7 or 8, then 9, and after a while the cycle starts all over. But I’ve like totally forgot that I am having headaches because of caffiene. Moron.

I like coffee when it’s winter time. I like coffee in the summer when the heat index is 110 degrees. I like in the morning, mid-morning, and afternoon. I would drink it with a mouse, I would drink it in a house.

If I had started on crack when I was 17 instead of coffee, I would totally be dead right now. I’m glad that my body got addicted to something that will only give me headaches when I overdo it. And it’s probably a little cheaper than crack too. And I wouldn’t exactly be able to do crack 8 or 9 times a day, at work, at home, in the car, after church and before sunday school with my church buddies. And I couldn’t share my crack with my kids, make them crackmilk every morning with lots of sugar.

Many people think that you shouldn’t give kids coffee. Mine have had coffee milk since they were big enough to sip from a sippy-cup. I think that giving my kids coffee at such a young age is only helping to ensure that do not become crackheads later on in life.

ON ANOTHER NOTE…I’ve had a special request for “Confession Day” on this blog. I’m going to refer you to the blog that does this, here Confession Friday.

Read these comments, and laugh, as they are funny. If you agree that “Confession Day” would be a good idea, let me know.

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About zohrbak

Zohrbak is an old email username I had a while back...it's a made-up twist on two characters from Spaceghost. Zorak and Brak. I'm a geek. I am a married, working mother of 4 children, ages 4-15. I also have interests outside of my children, but I can never remember what they are.
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3 Responses to Coffee is my Crack

  1. Aimee says:

    Before I met Edious I didn’t even own a coffee pot. It was a great life. I began slowly, with one cup each morning, to, ya know, share the morning with him. Now, I run to the pot every morning to start it. And really don’t do anything before cup 2 or 3.

    At least when you overconsume you only get headaches. I get numbness in strange places, like my face and the top of my forearms. ( I also get that numbness when I take my migraine medication which is Midrin, a combo of aspirin, ibuprofen, and,yep, caffeine. Hey, migraines are debilitating, the numbness is NOT.) And sometimes my eyes twitch from caffeine. Yet, mid-afternoon I cannot stop myself from having more. If its hot, I will put ice in it.

    I have started doing de-caf in the afternoon, bc it does mess up my sleep if I don’t. And its not so bad, but I don’t always remember, and honestly, sometimes it the caffeine I want….twitching eyes and all.

    It could be worse.

    Crack-milk. Hmmm. Thats all I have to say about that.

  2. Jenn says:

    I cannot start a day without coffee! Hot, Iced, Frozen, in a bottle, or a can if I am desperate. If it’s coffee I will drink it. I want to start a company to have a coffee delivery service, or espresso on wheels. Imagine having coffee delivered right to you….anytime….that is my dream….

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