I need coffee like a crackhead needs to score a fix. [I don’t know if that’s the right drug-terminology. I’ve heard that in movies and stuff but I don’t know if it applies to crackheads or not, so if I’m wrong, please feel free to correct me, but then everyone will know that you know ENTIRELY TOO MUCH about crackheads, which might raise suspicions about your extra-curricular activities. But ahem, this post is about coffee anyway, and I know PLENTY about that.]
Well, maybe not quite as bad as a crackhead, but my drug-of-choice is getting a little out of hand. My deal is that when I like something, I go overboard with it. It pervades my life. I drink two to three cups of coffee when I get up at 6 a.m., I drink two cups of coffee when I get to work before lunch. I drink at least one more cup of coffee after lunch. I take extreme care in how each special cup of coffee is prepared. Two Splendas or Sweet’n’lows and LOTS of powdered non-dairy creamer. No water-me-coffee-down liquid stuff here! And I used to take regular sugar, but when I added it up–three teaspoons of sugar times 6-7 cups a day times 7 days a week–I realized why my ass was growing, since that equals like a 5 pound bag of sugar per week. Since switching to artificial sweetener, my ass has not shrunk one inch, and it’s been 8 months. I guess I quit it just in time, or I would have had to buy a wheelbarrow to tote my big ass around by now.
When I let myself consume coffee constantly and the number of cups per day grows to an unreasonable number, I develop headaches. I know this to be the case. However, I forget that these headaches are being caused by the caffiene, and so I just keep lapping it up, and complaining about my headaches until finally my BFF reminds me, “Didn’t you have headaches a while back and we figured out you were drinking too much coffee? How much coffee are you drinking?” “Uh. I think I had like 9 cups yesterday.” DUH! What a moron! So, I taper my coffee intake back slowly until I’m down to a reasonable 5 or 6 cups a day (reasonable to ME) and the headaches stop. It’s magical. But, then, I slip back up to 7 or 8, then 9, and after a while the cycle starts all over. But I’ve like totally forgot that I am having headaches because of caffiene. Moron.
I like coffee when it’s winter time. I like coffee in the summer when the heat index is 110 degrees. I like in the morning, mid-morning, and afternoon. I would drink it with a mouse, I would drink it in a house.
If I had started on crack when I was 17 instead of coffee, I would totally be dead right now. I’m glad that my body got addicted to something that will only give me headaches when I overdo it. And it’s probably a little cheaper than crack too. And I wouldn’t exactly be able to do crack 8 or 9 times a day, at work, at home, in the car, after church and before sunday school with my church buddies. And I couldn’t share my crack with my kids, make them crackmilk every morning with lots of sugar.
Many people think that you shouldn’t give kids coffee. Mine have had coffee milk since they were big enough to sip from a sippy-cup. I think that giving my kids coffee at such a young age is only helping to ensure that do not become crackheads later on in life.
ON ANOTHER NOTE…I’ve had a special request for “Confession Day” on this blog. I’m going to refer you to the blog that does this, here Confession Friday.
Read these comments, and laugh, as they are funny. If you agree that “Confession Day” would be a good idea, let me know.