Confession Thursday is here even though you guys didn’t give me a standing ovation over the proposal of this idea. However, be advised that participation is key. If there is no participation, then this will, sadly, be the first and LAST Confession Thursday you will see here.
I’ll start us off. Here goes.
I have, since a young age, been blessed with a very professional sounding telephone voice. This really came in handy all those years in junior high and high school before we started drinking, and all we had to do for fun was prank call people. However, my biggest prank call was made in college.
My suite-mate had been dating a guy who she found out had been cheating on her. With numerous people. A certifiable Man Whore. Our close-knit college group of four (girls) plotted our revenge, and set up my phone’s answering machine to record the conversation.
I called Mr. ManWhore, since he didn’t know me and wouldn’t recognize my voice. We will call him “Brad” (I don’t think that was his real name, but if it is it’s mere coincidence.) Here’s my recollection (it’s only been 17 years, give me a break) of how the conversation went:
“Hello, may I speak to Bradley ManWhore?”
“This is he.”
“Oh, okay. Hi Brad. My name is Julie. I’m with the Student Health Center.”
“I’m calling you with some pretty sensitive information. Do you have a minute to talk to me right now, or should I call you back at another time?”
“No, uh, I can talk now.”
“Okay. Brad, I got your name from a list provided to me another student who was treated here this past week. She provided us a list of all of her previous sexual encounters because the CDC requires us to get this information from one of our students when a diagnosis is made.”
“Uh, what? What are you talking about now?”
“Brad, I am trying to make you aware that you may have…well, more than likely, have been exposed.”
“Uh, who is this…I mean, that gave you my name?”
“Oh, I’m sorry, Brad, I’m not at liberty to give you that information. It would be a violation of her right to privacy to do that.”
“Uh, okay. But what is it, now, that you are saying? Exposed?”
“Well, yes, exposed, Brad. She provided us with a list so that we could contact those who may have been exposed so that they could follow up and get tested, inform all of their sexual partners…do you understand?”
“Uh, yeah, I think so. But, what, I mean, what is the exposure to, exactly?”
“Well, Brad, I’m sorry to tell you this, but one of your recent sexual partners has tested positive for HIV.”
“Brad, are you there?”
“…Yeah, I’m here.”
“Do you understand what I’m telling you?”
“Uh, yeah, I think so.”
“Brad, you need to call and schedule an appointment here at the Student Health Center or your own private physician to get tested. Your information is confidential, so even the staff here at the Student Health Center will not be aware of your exposure and will do the testing without any knowledge of our conversation. Now, you should also be aware that may test negative but still be a carrier, so you need to inform all of your recent sexual partners of their need to get tested, and you would be wise to inform any perpective sexual partners of the risk.”
Again. Silence. Not even breathing on the other end of the line.
“Brad? Are you there?”
“Uh, okay. Yeah, okay. I get it.”
“Okay, Brad, you call us if you have any questions, okay? Do you have our extension?”
“Yeah, I got it.”
“Okay, you have a great day!”
I swear to you that this is a true story, and that Bradley ManWhore bought it hook-line-and-sinker. We listened to that tape over and over for two or three days, just in awe of our perfect plan. I think we burned it after that, because we were terrified he’d find out what we did.