It’s Confession THUUUURRRSSSDAYYYYY!


 

I hate Oprah.  There, I said it.  I hate her voice, her mannerisms, and her attitude. 

I hate her because she’s got more money and power than should be vested in a single human being.   I hate that she can make or break a business just by the bat of her fake eyelashes.  I hate that people come on her show and freak right the hell out. 

I hate that she can be fat, and still look skinny on the cover of her magazine.  I hate that she created Dr. Phil in her magic Oprah laboratory (to be read LA-BOR-A-TORY, because it’s Oprah’s.)  I hate Dr. Phil, who isn’t, by the way even a doctor.  I hate Oprah’s Book Club.  I hate Oprah’s Favorite Things.  I hate Oprah’s spiritual philosophy (which is basically, “Worship me, for thy art Oprah.”) 

I hate the following Oprah Winfrey Quotes:

1. Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough.  [WTF??]

2. Books were my pass to personal freedom. I learned to read at age three, and soon discovered there was a whole world to conquer that went beyond our farm in Mississippi.  [OF COURSE YOU LEARNED TO READ AT 3, YOU ARE FREAKING OPRAH.  AND BY THE WAY, WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?]

3.  Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.  [THERE’S SOME SWEET ADVICE.  BREATHE.  YOU ARE A FREAKING GENIUS.]

4.  Do the one thing you think you cannot do. Fail at it. Try again. Do better the second time. The only people who never tumble are those who never mount the high wire. This is your moment. Own it. 
[FAIL AT IT?  REALLY? WHAT, SO THAT YOU CAN REMAIN SUPERIOR?] 

5.  Doing the best at this moment puts you in the best place for the next moment. [DUH.]
 
6.  Follow your instincts. That’s where true wisdom manifests itself. 
[I THOUGHT FOLLOWING OPRAH WAS WHERE IT’S AT.  NOW I’M CONFUSED.]

7.  For everyone of us that succeeds, it’s because there’s somebody there to show you the way out. [SO EVEN IF WE SUCCEED, YOU STILL GET THE CREDIT, RIGHT?]

8.  I always knew I was destined for greatness.  [DUH.  YOU PROBABLY READ IT IN A BOOK AT AGE 3.]

9.  I am a woman in process. I’m just trying like everybody else. I try to take every conflict, every experience, and learn from it. Life is never dull.
[WHEN DO YOU SLEEP, EXACTLY?]

10.  I believe that every single event in life happens in an opportunity to choose love over fear. 
[I PRETTY MUCH JUST THINK SHIT HAPPENS. BUT YOURS WORKS, TOO.] 

11. I don’t believe in failure. It is not failure if you enjoyed the process.
[WHAT ABOUT NUMBER 4?] 

12. I don’t think of myself as a poor deprived ghetto girl who made good. I think of myself as somebody who from an early age knew I was responsible for myself, and I had to make good.  [I WAS NOT AWARE THAT THERE WERE GHETTOS IN MISSISSIPPI FARM COUNTRY. ]

13. I don’t think you ever stop giving. I really don’t. I think it’s an on-going process. And it’s not just about being able to write a check. It’s being able to touch somebody’s life. [EASY FOR YOU TO SAY, BANK OF OPRAH.]

14.  I still have my feet on the ground, I just wear better shoes. [THEY MUST HAVE LEFT THE ENDING OFF OF THIS ONE, IT WAS, “THAN ALL OF YOU.”] 

THAT’S MY CONFESSION TODAY.  YOUR TURN.

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About zohrbak

Zohrbak is an old email username I had a while back...it's a made-up twist on two characters from Spaceghost. Zorak and Brak. I'm a geek. I am a married, working mother of 4 children, ages 4-15. I also have interests outside of my children, but I can never remember what they are.
This entry was posted in Confession Thursday, Humor, Spirituality and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

13 Responses to It’s Confession THUUUURRRSSSDAYYYYY!

  1. ZOHRMOM says:

    ABSOLUTELY LOVE THIS ONE.BTW, I am all out of confessions. Does that mean I am good, or am I forgetting the really bad stuff?

  2. exLush says:

    Ok, I feel really bad for this one…..and it doesn’t involve you believe it or not!!!!
    I once hit a parked car, not any parked car, a late 60’s or early 70’s Camaro. I don’t remember exactly, but I do know it was a really nice, light blue classic Camaro. I was driving through a friends neighborhood after a night of “going out”. I looked away for what I thought to only be a second, and next thing I know I heard metal bending and suddenly realized I had sideswiped this beautiful car. And yes…..I just drove away. That car was never parked on the street again.
    To this day, I still feel terrible about it.

    • zohrbak says:

      I love how you change your name everytime you leave a comment, depending on the content of the comment! (lol) But I always manage to figure out that it’s you. 🙂

      BTW: Great confession! THAT’S THE SPIRIT!

      • exLush says:

        I think my confessions are pretty obvious who they come from! 🙂 I’ll work on a good one for next week!!

  3. Dear Ms. Z.,
    Mother Hen loves confession Thursday!
    At least she did, until she realized that she was expected to participate.
    She almost turned off the computer and turned on the TV, but there was nothing on except Oprah. Dang!
    So here goes: Mother Hen confesses that…she broke eggs…on purpose…by throwing them…at campaign posters.
    You can view the sad evidence here.

    http://motherhensnest.wordpress.com/2010/10/16/the-politics-of-bullying

    She is not proud of this uncivilized behavior. Well, maybe a little bit.
    Oh, let’s cut the caca — she would likely do it all over again.
    There you have it. Now MH is back to her nest to try to pull together what is left of her shining reputation.
    Confessionally yours,
    Mother Hen

  4. annette says:

    My girlfriends and I used to go out on weekends and have a good time dancing and drinking. I had a horrible habit of agreeing to dates because the inebriated “me” liked the idea. The sober, hung over “me” didn’t and I would make an excuse to be out of the house before the poor guy would arrive to pick me up. Did I mention that I wouldn’t let my mom in on the impending date?
    I am so ashamed now and was so stupid back then.

  5. Aimee says:

    Wow. I don’t particularly love Oprah….but,

    The negativity.

    Its overwhelming.

    Thats all I have to say about that.

  6. Jalyn says:

    well why don’t ya just tell us how you REALLY feel??? LOL!!!!

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