I hate Oprah. There, I said it. I hate her voice, her mannerisms, and her attitude.
I hate her because she’s got more money and power than should be vested in a single human being. I hate that she can make or break a business just by the bat of her fake eyelashes. I hate that people come on her show and freak right the hell out.
I hate that she can be fat, and still look skinny on the cover of her magazine. I hate that she created Dr. Phil in her magic Oprah laboratory (to be read LA-BOR-A-TORY, because it’s Oprah’s.) I hate Dr. Phil, who isn’t, by the way even a doctor. I hate Oprah’s Book Club. I hate Oprah’s Favorite Things. I hate Oprah’s spiritual philosophy (which is basically, “Worship me, for thy art Oprah.”)
I hate the following Oprah Winfrey Quotes:
1. Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough. [WTF??]
2. Books were my pass to personal freedom. I learned to read at age three, and soon discovered there was a whole world to conquer that went beyond our farm in Mississippi. [OF COURSE YOU LEARNED TO READ AT 3, YOU ARE FREAKING OPRAH. AND BY THE WAY, WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?]
3. Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure. [THERE’S SOME SWEET ADVICE. BREATHE. YOU ARE A FREAKING GENIUS.]
4. Do the one thing you think you cannot do. Fail at it. Try again. Do better the second time. The only people who never tumble are those who never mount the high wire. This is your moment. Own it.
[FAIL AT IT? REALLY? WHAT, SO THAT YOU CAN REMAIN SUPERIOR?]
5. Doing the best at this moment puts you in the best place for the next moment. [DUH.]
6. Follow your instincts. That’s where true wisdom manifests itself.
[I THOUGHT FOLLOWING OPRAH WAS WHERE IT’S AT. NOW I’M CONFUSED.]
7. For everyone of us that succeeds, it’s because there’s somebody there to show you the way out. [SO EVEN IF WE SUCCEED, YOU STILL GET THE CREDIT, RIGHT?]
8. I always knew I was destined for greatness. [DUH. YOU PROBABLY READ IT IN A BOOK AT AGE 3.]
9. I am a woman in process. I’m just trying like everybody else. I try to take every conflict, every experience, and learn from it. Life is never dull.
[WHEN DO YOU SLEEP, EXACTLY?]
10. I believe that every single event in life happens in an opportunity to choose love over fear.
[I PRETTY MUCH JUST THINK SHIT HAPPENS. BUT YOURS WORKS, TOO.]
11. I don’t believe in failure. It is not failure if you enjoyed the process.
[WHAT ABOUT NUMBER 4?]
12. I don’t think of myself as a poor deprived ghetto girl who made good. I think of myself as somebody who from an early age knew I was responsible for myself, and I had to make good. [I WAS NOT AWARE THAT THERE WERE GHETTOS IN MISSISSIPPI FARM COUNTRY. ]
13. I don’t think you ever stop giving. I really don’t. I think it’s an on-going process. And it’s not just about being able to write a check. It’s being able to touch somebody’s life. [EASY FOR YOU TO SAY, BANK OF OPRAH.]
14. I still have my feet on the ground, I just wear better shoes. [THEY MUST HAVE LEFT THE ENDING OFF OF THIS ONE, IT WAS, “THAN ALL OF YOU.”]
THAT’S MY CONFESSION TODAY. YOUR TURN.