Some of my “motherhood” secrets…

I’m going to let you in on a few special secrets today.  Don’t go around tellin’ everybody, either.  If they don’t care enough to come here and check on me every now and again, they just aren’t special enough to know some of the secrets of my success mediocrity when it comes to keeping up with 4 kids, a house, two pets, a job, and the countless crap accoutrements that comes along with all of that.  (Go ahead, look up “accoutrements”, it’s okay, no one will know.)

Not like you guys, though.  You guys are special.  Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise…or I’ll personally slap the Be-Jeezus out of them for you.  And because you are special, I’m going to fill you in on a couple of my “motherhood” secrets.

People say to me all the time:  “I don’t know how you do it!  I only have [a) one b) two] kid(s) and I can’t imagine having four!!” Or, “How do you possibly find time to work when you have all those kids to take care of?  I’d be a crazy person!” 

First of all:  I am a crazy person.  You’d have to be to still be sticking around for all of this.  (Yeah, I said it.)  Secondly:  I don’t work for the money, primarily.  I work because getting out of the house for 9-10 hours a day, 5 days a week keeps me from going over the edge into a delirium the likes of which have not been seen before.  I work BECAUSE I HAVE FOUR KIDS.  Not in spite of it.  And thirdly:  In response to “…how do you do it?” I tell you this:  I don’t do any of it “well”.  Seriously… I just kind of half-ass everything.   It’s impossible to do it “well.”  Now, there’s always gonna be some A-hole who jumps in here and says that they know of some chick who artfully balances 4 kids with the rest of it all, and that’s fine.  Just tell her I said, “Kudos!”  But please don’t introduce us.  I don’t think that I’d like to know her.  She must only sleep 2 hours a day, and probably relies heavily on massive doses of Xanax chased with Red Bull.  And even then, I just don’t think it’s possible.  Unless, perhaps, she has buttloads of cash a lot of help, and then maybe…. 

Here’s another secret:  The “4 kids” excuse works for so many things.  EXAMPLE NO. 1: When I was in New Orleans with Zohrmom and Zohrsis the week before school started, I was approached by at least 3 people who asked me for spare change.  Everytime, I looked them dead in the face and said, “I’m sorry, I have 4 kids…and school starts next week.”  I didn’t even have to say “No.”  I just told them the truth.  I was sorry that I had 4 kids, [  🙂  ] and that, in fact, school was starting next week.  Each time, they turned and walked away from me.  BAM!   EXAMPLE NO. 2: Everytime I call to schedule a doctor’s appointment for one of my children, they ask me for his or her date of birth.  I have to pause for no less than 10 seconds to be able to assemble this information in my head.  This morning, for example, I was asked for Little A’s birthdate by the lady at the appointment desk at the pediatrician’s office. 

Me:   “[PAUSE…………………………………. ]um.  6.  2.  ’06.” 

Lady:  “Well, no…I don’t see her.” 

Me:   “Oh, yeah, that’s right.  Because it’s 6.   2.    ’05” 

Lady:   “Uh, no ma’am.  I don’t see that either.” 

Me:  “Omigod.  I’m sorry.  It’s 6.14.06.  That’s it.  I swear it is.” 

Lady: “Okay, yeah, now I see that one.”  [Awkward pause while she considers my senility.] 

Me: “I’m sorry, I have 4 children, and 3 of them were born in June.” 

Lady: “OH!  OKAY!  I was all like ‘okaaaaayyyyy!” 

 . . .  

See?  Works everytime. 


About zohrbak

Zohrbak is an old email username I had a while's a made-up twist on two characters from Spaceghost. Zorak and Brak. I'm a geek. I am a married, working mother of 4 children, ages 4-15. I also have interests outside of my children, but I can never remember what they are.
This entry was posted in Bad mother, crazy kids, Family, Humor, Parenthood, The Joys of Parenthood and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

13 Responses to Some of my “motherhood” secrets…

  1. Zohrmom says:

    Okay. Your “half ass” is still better than most people that I know are capable of. I really don’t know how you do it (and I did not have to look up accoutrements) I do realize that many times you just skate through whatever new crisis (or repeat of an old crisis) so that you can make it another day. Most of the time, however, we all look at you in awe. Not awww, but awe.

  2. zohrbak says:

    You’re too kind. Go on. lol

  3. YaYa says:

    I do the date of birth thing with just 2 kids and get it wrong 2 out or 3 times and thank you for sharing your motherhood secrets, it feel so special! (I think you are doing a great job, b/c your kids, all 4 of them are wonderful, Big E took my trash out voluntarily and taught me how to properly use my DVR remote) & I use your 4 kids for excuses for you all the time, when someone asks where have you been, I say she has 4 kids and they just so “OH” and that seems to satify them. Sometimes, I think it would be easier for me if I could just roll with things the way you do, it inspires me…

  4. Rebecca Tisdale says:

    Bless your heart. (you know what that means in Southern, don’t you?)

    My Julie has 4 kids……………..this sounds like she wrote it. I’m sending it on to a kindred spirit w/ you, okay?

    love you.
    Miz Tiz

  5. zohrsis says:

    Totally agree with Zohrmommy!!!

  6. Aimee says:

    Its called balance girl! As long as you can do enough of each thing, then everything goes smoothly. It may not all be done at once, but each thing gets done well enough for everything to work, and I call that doing it WELL.

    My motherhood secret is to be happy when things are flowing along at an acceptable pace. If everyone has clean socks and underwear AND I didn’t forget to get gas while bringing the kids in all different directions to different activities AND the dishes in the dishwasher got turned on so we have clean bowls for cereal and I HAD A SHOWER then its a great day.

  7. ChaseK8 says:

    Hahaha, very cute…my sister has five kids, and don’t worry she is not one of those “I can handle it all perfectly” kind of mothers! She would appreciate this post, and I am going to forward it to her….Thanks for the good chuckle. Even with “Two” kids I can’t seem to manage so all the power to you “Big Family” mama’s who even do it half-assed, somedays I can’t even manage that!!!

    • zohrbak says:

      Cool! I’d say that having 5 must be crazy, but I could have 9 running around my house and it wouldn’t be any worse. In fact, I’m sure that there probably are at least two extra at my house on a regular basis that I’m not even aware of. Send her my way, I’m sure we’ll get along GREAT!

  8. ChaseK8 says:

    Hahaha that’s funny I always joke with her when I am sending mine her way “What’s one or two more anyway??? You don’t even notice it after 5!”

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