I’m going to let you in on a few special secrets today. Don’t go around tellin’ everybody, either. If they don’t care enough to come here and check on me every now and again, they just aren’t special enough to know some of the secrets of my
success mediocrity when it comes to keeping up with 4 kids, a house, two pets, a job, and the countless crap accoutrements that comes along with all of that. (Go ahead, look up “accoutrements”, it’s okay, no one will know.)
Not like you guys, though. You guys are special. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise…or I’ll personally slap the Be-Jeezus out of them for you. And because you are special, I’m going to fill you in on a couple of my “motherhood” secrets.
People say to me all the time: “I don’t know how you do it! I only have [a) one b) two] kid(s) and I can’t imagine having four!!” Or, “How do you possibly find time to work when you have all those kids to take care of? I’d be a crazy person!”
First of all: I am a crazy person. You’d have to be to still be sticking around for all of this. (Yeah, I said it.) Secondly: I don’t work for the money, primarily. I work because getting out of the house for 9-10 hours a day, 5 days a week keeps me from going over the edge into a delirium the likes of which have not been seen before. I work BECAUSE I HAVE FOUR KIDS. Not in spite of it. And thirdly: In response to “…how do you do it?” I tell you this: I don’t do any of it “well”. Seriously… I just kind of half-ass everything. It’s impossible to do it “well.” Now, there’s always gonna be some A-hole who jumps in here and says that they know of some chick who artfully balances 4 kids with the rest of it all, and that’s fine. Just tell her I said, “Kudos!” But please don’t introduce us. I don’t think that I’d like to know her. She must only sleep 2 hours a day, and probably relies heavily on massive doses of Xanax chased with Red Bull. And even then, I just don’t think it’s possible. Unless, perhaps, she has
buttloads of cash a lot of help, and then maybe….
Here’s another secret: The “4 kids” excuse works for so many things. EXAMPLE NO. 1: When I was in New Orleans with Zohrmom and Zohrsis the week before school started, I was approached by at least 3 people who asked me for spare change. Everytime, I looked them dead in the face and said, “I’m sorry, I have 4 kids…and school starts next week.” I didn’t even have to say “No.” I just told them the truth. I was sorry that I had 4 kids, [ 🙂 ] and that, in fact, school was starting next week. Each time, they turned and walked away from me. BAM! EXAMPLE NO. 2: Everytime I call to schedule a doctor’s appointment for one of my children, they ask me for his or her date of birth. I have to pause for no less than 10 seconds to be able to assemble this information in my head. This morning, for example, I was asked for Little A’s birthdate by the lady at the appointment desk at the pediatrician’s office.
Me: “[PAUSE…………………………………. ]um. 6. 2. ’06.”
Lady: “Well, no…I don’t see her.”
Me: “Oh, yeah, that’s right. Because it’s 6. 2. ’05”
Lady: “Uh, no ma’am. I don’t see that either.”
Me: “Omigod. I’m sorry. It’s 6.14.06. That’s it. I swear it is.”
Lady: “Okay, yeah, now I see that one.” [Awkward pause while she considers my senility.]
Me: “I’m sorry, I have 4 children, and 3 of them were born in June.”
Lady: “OH! OKAY! I was all like ‘okaaaaayyyyy!”
. . .
See? Works everytime.