It’s been a long year, Santa. I’m weary and fatigued. I’ve got four kids, a dog, a cat, a husband, and a full time job. I spend all year taking care of all of them. For Christmas this year, I’d appreciate you helping me out a little. I know you don’t usually get these types of letters from grown ups, but I’ve got no one else to turn to, Santa. You are my last hope.
When you come by my house on Christmas Eve, could you bring some of the magical dust you must use on your elves to help you get all that work done? Sprinkle it on my children, in hopes that they will merrily help me out more around the house.
I’d also like a new car. My old one is filthy, with bits of candy and french fries shoved between the seats, glitter and stickers stuck to the carpet, and a smiley face scratched with a stick into the paint on the front passenger door. Go ahead and spring for the stain guard treatment on the new one.
Could you spare the use of your sled and reindeer for a week or so? Zohrhubby and I don’t get to do a lot of traveling, and so I was thinking that maybe you could ask Mrs. Claus to babysit for a little while, and let ZH and I take a little trip somewhere sunny to relax. On second thought, ZH doesn’t fly, so nix the babysitter, he can stay home and watch the kids. I’ll take a couple of girlfriends with me. Just how many people does your sled seat, without all those presents, anyway?
There’s only one other thing I can think of that I need. I would like for you to give me back all of the brain cells that I apparently killed over the years. I am having so much trouble remembering things and keeping up with the busy schedule my life lends itself to. I’m not sure what all I have done that may have contributed to my current state of mind, but I’d like to get those back, if you don’t mind. I’m only 26 days away from turning 37, and at the rate I’m going, I’ll be knocking on dementia’s door before my youngest is in junior high.
Now, what was I talking about?
Oh, yeah. I wanted to let you know that I’ve been a pretty good girl, for the most part. I’m not sure how stringent you are with those rules. I need some clarification on that, by the way, because my 5 year old asked me yesterday if I thought you had been watching him ALL YEAR LONG. I told him that I thought that you had. I told him that you saw what he did at home AND at school, and he said that he was glad that you didn’t see what he did on the bus.
Thanks for listening, Santa. Shoot me an email when you get a chance. If you respond by regular mail, I’ll probably never see it, because the kids throw the mail on the floor and the dog tears it up before I get home from work.