I started a diet on January 1st. There’s also some exercise involved, currently in the form of walking, but that’s a different topic for a different post.
My diet plan is now being assisted by my dear friend and dear reader Aimee, who is working on her dietitian license…and thank goodness for her help. However, the entire week prior to her guidance, I was left to my own devices. And therein, folks, lies the content for today’s blog post.
MY plan was loosely based on my limited knowledge and choatic grocery store skills:
Rule No. 1: Must. Eat. Breakfast. I hate breakfast. I have no desire to consume anything other than coffee prior to 12 p.m. This means that for me to accomplish this, it’s just a matter of having something on hand semi-healthy (whatever that means) and convenient. I wander through the grocery stores aisles and think. I stumble upon this:
It also says ‘Good Source of Omega 3s.’ “Oooh! Oooh!”, I think to myself in the aisle. “Omega 3s help me think more clearly, right? I can’t remember. But I think so!” I buy three boxes.
Then, I see this:
“Sweet. Chocolate!” I buy a box.
Rule No. 2: Must boost metabolism by eating a snack at 10 a.m. and 3 p.m. Snacks are important–I know because I read that somewhere– so that your metabolism stays kicked in all day long. Otherwise, your insides turn to sluggish mush which is apparently what has happened to me, and the sluggish mush is slowly making its way to the outside. What to buy? Hmmm. I meander around the grocery store some more, and I happen upon this:
Yeah. This dieting thing is going to be EASY! I find several more Fiber One products and stock up on three or four boxes EACH!
Rule No. 3: There is no Rule No. 3. Rules 1 and 2 encompass the extent of my diet/nutrition knowledge.
I get home and unpack my bag, and immediately realize my error. I have nothing for actual meals. Oh well, I figure, I’ll start this off slowly. Let’s get the breakfast and snacking down, and I’ll figure out the meal part of this diet next week.
So Aimee comes over to visit the next day. I proudly show her my food choices and walk her through my “plan”. She begins looking at the nutrition labels in the food choices I’ve made. “Why does this say ‘good source of omega threes when it only…mumble mumble….um hmm…mumble mumble…” She immediately points out that most of my choices have too much sugar, and informs me that I should be cutting sugars out of my diet.
A: “What I want you to do is go ahead and eat this stuff…since you bought it…but next time, I want you to look at sugars.”
Z: “But look, it’s all got fiber in it. That’s a good thing, right?”
A: “Um, sure. If you like ‘fluffy poop’.”
Z: “Who doesn’t like ‘fluffy poop’?” I said with a smile.
I had no idea what she meant by this.
Fast forward 5 days…and I understood EXACTLY what she meant.
I texted her and we had the following conversation:
Z: I can only assume that this icky bloated gassy feeling is from all this effing fiber. Will I adjust or am I overdoing it? I am eating oatmeal now which will probably make me all better. lol.
A: Lol…you will adjust but I do suspect you’ve placed a tad too much value on fiber. lol. Unless you truly enjoy fluffy turd syndrome. 🙂
Z: The problem with fluffy turds–I’ve discovered–is that they are all fluffy while they are still in your belly! This has numerous consequences.
I am spending the next few days weaning myself off of fiber FOREVER and then will fully incorporate the diet outlined by Aimee, the keeper of all knowledge. Then, perhaps, I can simultaneously DIET and remain in any given confined space with the person(s) of my choice. Henceforth, when someone asks me if I have any food allergies, I am answering “Fiber.” Sort of like that 3 or 4 year time span that I forced Zohrhubby to tell all of his doctors that he was allergic to steroids because he was really really mean to me one day for no reason while recovering from a cold and taking a z-pack.