I started a diet on January 1st.  There’s also some exercise involved, currently in the form of walking, but that’s a different topic for a different post.

My diet plan is now being assisted by my dear friend and dear reader Aimee, who is working on her dietitian license…and thank goodness for her help.  However, the entire week prior to her guidance, I was left to my own devices.  And therein, folks, lies the content for today’s blog post.

MY plan was loosely based on my limited knowledge and choatic grocery store skills:

Rule No. 1:    Must. Eat. Breakfast.  I hate breakfast.  I have no desire to consume anything other than coffee prior to 12 p.m.  This means that for me to accomplish this, it’s just a matter of having something on hand semi-healthy (whatever that means) and convenient.  I wander through the grocery stores aisles and think.  I stumble upon this:

There's a heart on the box. This has to be good for me.

It also says ‘Good Source of Omega 3s.’  “Oooh! Oooh!”, I think to myself in the aisle. “Omega 3s help me think more clearly, right?  I can’t remember.  But I think so!”   I buy three boxes.

Then, I see this:

If it's essential, then I must need this. Right?

“Sweet.  Chocolate!”  I buy a box.

Rule No. 2:  Must boost metabolism by eating a snack at 10 a.m. and 3 p.m.  Snacks are important–I know because I read that somewhere– so that your metabolism  stays kicked in all day long.  Otherwise, your insides turn to sluggish mush which is apparently what has happened to me, and the sluggish mush is slowly making its way to the outside.  What to buy?  Hmmm.  I meander around the grocery store some more, and I happen upon this:

"35% of the daily requirement for FIBER?!" That is FAN-FREAKIN'-TASTIC!

Yeah.  This dieting thing is going to be EASY!  I find several more Fiber One products and stock up on three or four boxes EACH!

Fibrous Yogurt. Mmmmmm!

"Oats and Strawberry?!" That's a serving of fibrous fruit! Yee-haw!

Rule No. 3:  There is no Rule No. 3.  Rules 1 and 2 encompass the extent of my diet/nutrition knowledge. 

I get home and unpack my bag, and immediately realize my error.  I have nothing for actual  meals.  Oh well, I figure, I’ll start this off slowly.  Let’s get the breakfast and snacking down, and I’ll figure out the meal part of this diet next week.

So Aimee comes over to visit the next day.  I proudly show her my food choices and walk her through my “plan”.  She begins looking at the nutrition labels in the food choices I’ve made.  “Why does this say ‘good source of omega threes when it only…mumble mumble….um hmm…mumble mumble…”  She immediately points out that most of my choices have too much sugar, and informs me that I should be cutting sugars out of my diet. 

A:  “What I want  you to do is go ahead and eat this stuff…since you bought it…but next time, I want you to look at sugars.”  

Z:  “But look, it’s all got fiber in it.  That’s a good thing, right?”

A:  “Um, sure.  If you like ‘fluffy poop’.”

Z:  “Who doesn’t like ‘fluffy poop’?” I said with a smile. 

I had no idea what she meant by this. 

Fast forward 5 days…and I understood EXACTLY what she meant. 

I texted her and we had the following conversation:

Z:  I can only assume that this icky bloated gassy feeling is from all this effing fiber.  Will I adjust or am I overdoing it?  I am eating oatmeal now which will probably make me all better.  lol.

A:  Lol…you will adjust but I do suspect you’ve placed a tad too much value on fiber.  lol. Unless you truly enjoy fluffy turd syndrome. 🙂

Z:  The problem with fluffy turds–I’ve discovered–is that they are all fluffy while they are still in your belly!  This has numerous consequences. 

This is an image from a website that wants you to capture your best "Fiber One" farts on a recording device and enter a contest. They should promote this DIRECTLY on the product boxes so idiots like me know AHEAD OF TIME what they are getting themselves into!

I am spending the next few days weaning myself off of fiber FOREVER and then will fully incorporate the diet outlined by Aimee, the keeper of all knowledge.   Then, perhaps, I can simultaneously DIET and remain in any given confined space with the person(s) of my choice.   Henceforth, when someone asks me if I have any food allergies, I am answering “Fiber.”   Sort of like that 3 or 4 year time span that I forced Zohrhubby to tell all of his doctors that he was allergic to steroids because he was really really mean to me one day for no reason while recovering from a cold and taking a z-pack.


About zohrbak

Zohrbak is an old email username I had a while's a made-up twist on two characters from Spaceghost. Zorak and Brak. I'm a geek. I am a married, working mother of 4 children, ages 4-15. I also have interests outside of my children, but I can never remember what they are.
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6 Responses to Fiber(isnotforevery)One

  1. ZOHRMOM says:

    Now this post I can relate to. Zohrdad started cooking oatmeal for me every morning about a year ago. Some days I could literally not stand myself! I really thought I needed another colonoscopy since everyone should be able to walk without “tooting”. Work was constantly a worry, as you might imagine. I finally stopped eating the oatmeal and guess what? All my problems virtually disappeared. However; I no longer get a good breakfast. It’s a quickly swallowed slie of toast and water and out the door. I am starving by 10 am, but the ambiance is definitely better. Maybe Aimee can help me too!

  2. Aimee Earl says:

    Technically, I will be a “Nutritional Counselor”…much less impressive than dietician, but thats just technicalities.

    Moving on, I am glad that you fully understand the fluffy turd syndrome now, and that the fluff FEELS like its all one state of the 3 (solids, liquids and GAS)…the GAS. LOL. Although, I assure you the solid state will also be impressive.

    Lemme know if you win the contest. My sons would be proud and want your autograph I am sure. And what a great addition to your resume.

    I would recommend the diet plan I gave Zohrbak to everyone….and the book I recommended was A Week in the Zone By Dr. Barry Sears. I gave the book to my mother in law last year, and she lost 70 lbs on it. Any time I have ever made any great fitness strides it has been on this diet. Its not extreme in its content although it can be used extremely or not. I recommend this particular book by Dr. Sears bc its the short quick simple explanation. I own nearly everyone he has published and if you are on a specific fitness/diet/special condition path, it can get complicated, but this book is the start. Also has some great variations meal ideas etc. Its a moderation diet…and WORKS. Attaching a link as a preview. But get the book. Read the first 40 pages.

    • Dear Ms. Aimee,
      After following the link provided, Mother Hen found MATH! Oh, no!
      If a nutritional program requires doing calculations, MH is done before she starts, because it will not happen. Not in this chicken’s lifetime!
      Mother Hen needs a simple plan. She means S-I-M-P-L-E, as in a chick in chickengarten could understand it.
      Back to counting kernals of corn!
      Simply yours,
      Mother Hen

  3. YaYa says:

    I’d hate to be the person in line behind you at the grocery store! :0)

  4. Summer says:

    I started a diet/fitness thing too. You should join SparkPeople with me. It’s very helpful and free/ and a phone app. I log in my food and any fitness and it even has reports at the end of the day letting you know how you did. Apparently, I’ve been lacking in the protein department. So anyway. If you decide to join, come find me SUMMERSCIRCUS. Good Luck.

  5. Zohrsis says:

    LMAO !!!

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