Everybody and their mother has posted their New Year’s Resolutions…so I’d better jump on the bandwagon while the jumping is good. After all, who gives a rat’s ass what my New Year’s resolutions are in June? The answer: 88% fewer people than the number of those who give a rat’s ass right at this very second.
So, here we go:
1. Eat better. I have always wanted to learn about using all the appropriate cutlery on the given course. I also am going to give not talking with my mouth full and chewing my food with my mouth closed an extra effort.
2. Swear less. For instance, I could have used “who cares” instead of “who gives a rat’s ass”. On second thought…scratch that. Clearly, “rat’s ass” is funnier.
3. Get organized. I say this all the time. And I’ve really tried. But, as it turns out, you can’t “get organized” by simply driving to the store and purchasing large quantities of storage containers. Also, there’s not a shred of evidence to support the theory that purchasing a bill paying planner actually helps you PAY your BILLS. I’m going to start this one off slowly. I’m really going to do my research this time. On second thought, maybe I’ll just take my piles of crap outside and burn them in effigy. Now THAT sounds like a PLAN!
4. Do less research. I spend most of my free time reading about things that have absolutely no impact on my life or interests. If I nix all this extra reading, perhaps I could fit a novel in over the course of this year.
5. Work less. Have you heard the saying, “Work smart, not hard”? That’s where I’m going with this one.
6. Spend less time with my children. I know this sounds bad. But I’m totally serious about it. I want to spend more time with one child at a time. And less time with the whole big ‘ol group of them. My nerves will thank me and I will probably like them each more.
7. Spend a little more time thinking about things before I a) say them, b) type them and/or c) do them. This one is self-explanatory. But I will say this: I was born without a filter. It’s genetic.
more any amount of money. Any old amount would be an improvement. A dollar, even.
9. Give my money to a stranger. To clean my damn house. I used to think that only rich people paid other people to clean their house. Turns out us tired people have to as well.
10. Fake an English accent to appear more important. I don’t know why I am resolving to do this, other than think of all the funny stories that this one will reap.
Feel free to chime in with your own resolutions.