Is it just me, or does everyone have periods of time where they feel like they’ve lost all control of the things around them? I have had this general feeling of anxiety and chaos for about a week now. When I put my mind to it, I can’t quite place what, if anything, is really any different than it always is…but at the same time, all it takes if for one of my kids to say, “Oh, by the way, I need 2 dollars today…” and I go all stupid, and say something assy like “Oh my God! You are killing me!” It makes my kids think I’m nuts…as I realize I sound less than a moment later…and I have to apologize (AGAIN.) “I’m sorry (insert child’s name here)…I’m tired, and it’s been a long day…and it had nothing to do with you.”
Last night, I said something similar out loud as a general apology for my frustrated outburst, and Big E said, “Oh, gee…you must be only slightly more tired than what you NORMALLY are.” That…that right there…was enough to put me right over the edge. And I don’t even really know what he meant…but I heard his tone…and I didn’t like it. So I went to bed. There once was a time when I sent HIM to bed. Now, he’s bigger than me and challenges every word that comes out of my mouth. I recently realized how dumb I sound when trying to argue with him and force him to act the way I want, which will NEVER happen, anyway. So, now, I just walk away. Sometimes he follows me, and I have to threaten to do something rash–like take away his phone or something– to make him go away. Other times, I can’t get him to say two words to me. I’m going to miss that kid when he’s gone…but damn…just how much longer will that be, exactly?
I suppose my most recent chaotic feelings come from the fact that Little A has pneumonia, and we are juggling our schedules around to take care of her, and she goes from a) sick and sleeping to b) whiny and feeling bad to c) steroid induced mania. The mania is especially difficult to deal with. She’s getting better, thank goodness, because one of two things will happen: She will get off the steroids and stop alternating between I LOVE YOU MOMMIE! and I HATE YOU MOMMIE!!; OR she will continue to say things like that, and I won’t have to feel guilty about spanking her butt. All this is happening, of course, in conjunction with the normal course and scope of caring for everyone else’s schedules and needs in the house.
So that’s where I am today. I’m pretty sure it’s Confession Thursday, but I don’t really have a confession…except that maybe I confess that I sometimes want to strangle my children. But I don’t. And that makes me a great mother. This week, anyway.