Nightmares and Horses and Bad Acting, OH MY!


I had a dream nightmare last night that I simply MUST tell you about.  But I can’t go right into the dream…I have to give you the rest of the Valentine’s night story, so you get the full effect, as well as fill you in on other things that I have only hinted at in previous posts…So, bear with me.  K?

I already told you that Zohrhubby rented “Secretariat” on Valentine’s day, and that I thought it deplorable in every way.  Zohrhubby and I have a little game that we play, whereby the person who picked out the movie is responsible for whether or not it sucked.  The last two or three that I’ve picked out have been pretty good.  The last four that he’s picked out have been indefensibly BAD.  So, clearly, I am currently in the lead.  When he asked which movie to rent the other day, he gave me the choice between “the horse movie” or the “wall street” movie.  This was our text convo:

I am the green, ZH is the gray. I was trying to be nice. It was Valentine's Day, after all...but secretly was letting him choose because I wasn't willing to risk my winning streak on EITHER of these movies.

 Okay…so the horse movie it was.  Moving right along now. 

You also might already be aware that my husband has the potential of becoming the subject of an episode of “Hoarders”.  If anything should ever happen to me, I want you to do ONE THING for me:  Go to the house at least once a month to check on things.  My children might literally be buried alive in the house.  My husband likes THINGS.  The type of thing may change from one moment to the next, but by that time, he’s already won at least several auctions and the “thing” of the last moment is already on its way to my house, sometimes in duplicate or triplicate.  It is a lot of work for me to keep this under some sort of control.  And, I must say, HE’S GOTTEN MUCH MUCH BETTER.  But it’s still an issue.   I know, because I watch a lot of Hoarders, the tv show.  Not very long ago, I saw an episode where this lady shot her fiance in self defense because he was all cracked out, and wasn’t prosecuted for it, and so she became very depressed.  Ten years goes by, and her then-small son is now 18.  He’s got long hair and is obese and has black fingernails.  They live in a house that has trash on the floor. Not just mess.  TRASH.  Fast food containers (with the freakin’ FOOD in them) all over the floor.  They walk across this crap to get from place to place.  The kitchen is not usable anymore.  The sink is stopped up with shit.  She’s got a mountain of coffee grinds and filters on the counter next to the coffee pot, and when the coffee pot gets too dirty to work properly, she goes out and buys a new coffee pot and puts it on the counter in front of the old one.  So, there’s like 8 old coffee pots lined up behind the one she’s currently using.  The bathroom shower door busted, and the glass was just left there, in the tub, so they DIDN’T USE IT ANYMORE.  She would take sponge baths (allegedly) out of the sink in the bathroom and wash her hair in the sink.  Anyway, all that has nothing to do with the fact that one day her sister sends her a horse figurine…that looks like a Barbie horse.  She falls in love with it, and begins collecting them.  She’s spent hundreds or thousands of dollars on these horses, and they fill every available shelf or counter space in the house.  It was ridonkulous.  Really!

What's more disturbing than THIS? The fact that these people let CAMERAS into their "homes". C to the Razy, I say.

 

As an aside, I should tell you that I record all the Hoarding tv shows and I watch in sheer disgust.  Zohrhubby thinks it’s nuts to WATCH it.  I tell him that I am “Hoarding” tv shows, which has no negative effect on the amount of “shit” that accumulates in my house, as opposed to, oh, say, EBAY. 

So, back to Valentine’s night.  Zohrhubby goes to put the movie in, and I simply state:  “I hope this movie is not crappy, so that it makes me fall asleep and then I will have shaved my legs for nothing.” 

Okay, I’m sorry, but I had to tell you that part.  It is part of the background for the dream.  And also, you should know that I am a notorious utilitarian leg shaver.  Many women are.  There are only certain occasions whereby I am guaranteed to shave my legs:  A scheduled trip to the doctor (And if it’s winter, this ONLY applies to doctors who will MORE LIKELY THAN NOT ask me to remove my pants);  before getting a pedicure; and, most obviously, before getting a massage.  A romantic interlude with ZH used to be on that list.  Now, not so much.  It’s just a lot of trouble, is all I’m saying. 

That will make you appreciate the fact that I did, in fact, shave my legs on Valentine’s Day because he got me a card and a gift, and I only get him a card and a tube of hair gel.  (What?  He was OUT!)  And on top of that, the card said “Remember when we fell in love?”  and at the bottom it said, “We we so stupid.”  But in my defense, we were stupid.  And the inside made up for the smart ass outside.   So, did I shave my legs as a “Gift” to him?  No.  I shaved my legs because it showed that I cared.  That’s why.

Anywho….let’s get on with the story.  You already know too much at this point, anyway.

The movie was crappy, and I declared as much not more than twenty minutes in.  He stood by his decision, and defended it.  We sat there through nearly two hours of utter crap, and finally, I said, “I’m going to sleep.  This is dumb.” 

“No it’s not…but hold on..let’s just watch this race and then we’ll turn it off.”

The race was like the rest of the movie.  Predictable.  A horse cannot act.  I’m sorry.  And apparently, neither can Diane Lane. 

Bad. It's just bad.

So, there’s the background for my dream.

Last night my dream began with me cutting myself shaving and bleeding to death.  Zohrhubby was left alone to take care of my children.  But I had to float around and watch everything that went on, but had no control over any of it.  He tries and tries to keep up with the mess, but he just can’t.  Then, he begins collecting…you guessed it…HORSES. 

I woke up in a cold sweat 15 minutes BEFORE my alarm went off this morning.  And I scrubbed my coffee pot before the timer turned it on.  I don’t think I’ll ever shave my legs again.

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About zohrbak

Zohrbak is an old email username I had a while back...it's a made-up twist on two characters from Spaceghost. Zorak and Brak. I'm a geek. I am a married, working mother of 4 children, ages 4-15. I also have interests outside of my children, but I can never remember what they are.
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13 Responses to Nightmares and Horses and Bad Acting, OH MY!

  1. ZOHRMOM says:

    Okay, then…I will hereby promise to check on my grandchildren to ensure that they are not buried under the “hoarder’s” treasures. I cannot, however, promise to actually do anything to prevent the hoarding since I have known ZH for almost as long as you have. It’s what he does. He buys s#*t he will never use and will end up selling for a portion of what he had to pay if he sells it at all.
    I will dig my grandkids out of the muck and make sure they are still bathed and fed.
    BTW, TMI on the leg thing. It is completely unnecessary to explain the shaving thing to women. That’s just how we all roll. LOL

    • zohrbak says:

      Not all women roll that way, mother. It is genetic, though. 🙂

    • Miz Tiz says:

      It’s how I have always rolled. I used to say it helped hold your socks up in the winter as my excuse for only summertime shaving. Now, in my older years, I’ve discovered that the hair around the sock area has disappeared and the rest of it above the sock line has thinned out, so the necessity to pretend I was a regular leg shaver has waned.

      Finally, following my daughter’s example, I have stopped the practice all together. And that includes the armpits too. I really don’t see the point. If we were meant to be nude in those places, God would have made it so.

      My massage therapist is used to it and doesn’t care. SweetJames just thinks its another of my charming eccentricities which made him fall in love with me in the first place. My legs are too short and chubby to be comfortable in shorts in the summertime, so no one gets to see them and be judgmental.

      And————now you know waaaay too much about me. Like you, it’s freeing to “fess up.”

      • zohrbak says:

        I am so happy that you shared that…after everything I have poured out to you guys…you just made me tear up a bit! My only regret is that you did not post it on a Confession Thursday post…but, in your defense, I did not post a Confession this Thursday…so I am declaring your comment above to be my official “CONFESSION THURSDAY” post. 🙂

  2. YaYa says:

    Hoarders – I watch for a couple of minutes then have to change the channel and then have to go back, rinse and repeat. It makes me do serious house work! & My Strange Addiction is Addictive..

    Horses..I share a love of them, just like Zohrhubby (I never knew he really liked them though) I got a mental image of him on a horse and it was quite amusing.

    We rented Secretariat this past Friday night and I was sorely disappointed. I felt like I was watching a horse version of The Legend of Bagger Vance. The horse represented Matt Damon’s role, the black man that helped with the horse just wished he was Will Smith & Diane Lane’s role should have been played by Charlize Theron. It still would have been a crappy movie.

    Shaving legs: Once every quarter is acceptable in my book. Kind of like paying taxes.

    On a happy note I had to explain to Tween A that I’m having a hysterectomy. She said what is that? Me – the doctors will remove my lady parts that cause Cousin Flo to show up. Tween A – Who’s cousin Flo? Me – Your period!! Me – You gonna have a period and I won’t (singing to her). Tween A – that’s ok, because that just makes you OLD. My mom about fell out of her chair laughing.

    • zohrbak says:

      Omgosh. Shaving your legs once a quarter, kinda like paying taxes!! I almost fell outta my chair when I read that. That was awesome!! I’m so jealous that you will get a hysterectomy before me. My lady parts are much more worn out than yours…twice as much, to be exact!! Oh well. Congratulations on getting OLD. I won’t be long behind you.

      • Miz Tiz says:

        Be careful what you wish for dears. I never had a weight problem until I had a hysterectomy and it just ballooned up and up and up. But then, I had everything out at once not just the uterus and I went into instant menopause. Took months to get my hormones straight. Not a period of time I like to remember.

  3. Summer says:

    I don’t like horse movies. Just not my thing. So I’m not surprised by your review. Also, that is a very disturbing dream. Shaving. Hmmm. The task will never be the same again for me.

  4. shelley says:

    Can’t. Stop. LAUGHING!!!!!

    (but not sure I appreciate you giving away the leg-shaving secrets of women.)hahahahahahahaaaaa!

  5. Miz Tiz says:

    one more comment about hoarders: I think SweetJames is close to being a hoarder as much as ZH. Fortunately, he has his own house in Opelousas where those things are. I refer to it as “your warehouse, honey.” I don’t visit him there. He lives up here with me for 4-5 days at a time, then goes to the warehouse to tinker with his toys for 4-5 more days. It’s a nice balance of time together and time alone.

    For example, he has every single piece of electronics ever invented, a veritable gold mine of antique technology, and every single tool known to the human race. He tells me he has “paths” through which he walks to get to the various rooms.

    • zohrbak says:

      Wow! I LOVE the idea of living in SEPARATE HOUSES and visiting 4-5 days at a time. LOVE. IT.

      No, seriously, I am keeping this open as an option for the future.

      🙂

      • Miz Tiz says:

        it’s pretty much the best of all worlds. And in the future, you might earn the right to live like that. Right now………well, you know what I mean.

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