Movie Review: Welcome to the Rileys

I picked out the movie we watched last night.  “Welcome to the Rileys.” 

I had seen the trailer for this movie while watching some other movie that I cannot remember right now.  But I recalled that it did look promising.

Doug, played by James Gandolfini (*Zohrmom:  This is the guy that played in the Sopranos) and his wife, Lois, played by someone I’ve never seen before, lose their only daughter at age 15 in a car accident.  Doug finds himself in New Orleans at a conference for plumbing suppliers where he happens to stumble into a strip club, and begins a journey with a 16 year old runaway from Florida, Mallory, played by Kristen “I couldn’t act my way out of paper bag, even if glittery vampires aren’t involved” Stewart.  Lois comes down from Iowa or Idaho or wherever and Doug and Lois to help Mallory get out of the stripping and prostitution bidness that she’s resorted to to survive.  The catch to all this is that they’ve found a “little girl” to save after so many years of wishing they could have saved their own. Okay.  Groundwork.  Laid.  

*Zohrmom does not know the names of any actors or famous people.  Except for Clint Eastwood and Meryl Streep.  So I have to associate other things so that she knows who I am talking about.  This is especially hard for me, because I am the Queen of “You know, that one guy, who played in that one show, with that one girl?” 

Seeing New Orleans in the movie was cool.  The cool factor ended abruptly right.  there. 

James Gandolfini cannot fake a midwestern accent if he was paid large sums of cash to do so, apparently.  Kristen Stewart doesn’t know how to do anything but pout and whip her hair around.  Although, she was also quite adept at throwing the “p” and “f” words around, as it were.  Who knew?

It was terrible.  Not good.  At all.   Waste o’ money and time.  I could have watched a couple of DVR’d episodes of Hoarders or Real Housewives Miami, Atlanta, Beverly Hills, or New Jersey.  (Hey!  How come they don’t have a Real Housewives of New Orleans??)  Anyways, it was literally 2 hours of my life I’ll never get back.  And as my friend Wayne would say…Good Lord, Kristen Stewart, my ears are not garbage cans!

All that being said, “Welcome to the Rileys” was still better than “Secretariat”.    So, I’m still ahead in the running. 

The End.



About zohrbak

Zohrbak is an old email username I had a while's a made-up twist on two characters from Spaceghost. Zorak and Brak. I'm a geek. I am a married, working mother of 4 children, ages 4-15. I also have interests outside of my children, but I can never remember what they are.
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10 Responses to Movie Review: Welcome to the Rileys

  1. spiceblogger says:

    I think we should do a Real Housewives of Alexandria.

  2. Will make a mental note not to rent that. 🙂 If you’re into chick flicks, I’d suggest Eat, Pray, Love… if you haven’t seen it. Good movie. So is Julie & Julia… although I doubt your husband would like either of those.

    • zohrbak says:

      Sarah, we might have TOTALLY different movie tastes, because sitting through “Eat, Pray, Love” was like total torture for me. And I don’t HATE chick flicks…but that was so looooooong and drawwwwwwnnnnn out and still didn’t give enough details to substantiate the plot. I just didn’t get it. I gave it a 4, because I totally couldn’t dance to it. (That comment is probably outdated by at least 15 years for you…so maybe that didn’t make sense…)


    • Miz Tiz says:

      I concur that you would probably like both. dunno about your husband, since I don’t know him. Eat, Love, Pray is like something you would do in your fantasy life (yes, you Zohrbak)only she did it. Julie and Julia also. And to see Meryl Streep imitating the inimitable (sp) Julia Child is a hoot!

  3. Dear Ms. Z.
    Um…that actress you didn’t recognize just won a Best Supporting Actress Oscar.
    Not that you are being like your mother or anything. No, Mother Hen would never suggest such a thing! Not at all!
    Suggestively yours,
    Mother Hen

    • zohrbak says:

      All bad traits are genetic. Didn’t you know?

      Okay, I’ve googled her, and now I remember who she is. She’s that one chick who’s been in a bunch of stuff before. Who I still don’t really know.

      Thanks for pointing out my flaws, MH. 🙂

  4. zohrmom says:

    No help. Never saw one (no, not one) episode of the Sopranos. Thanks for trying!

  5. Aimee says:

    I don’t know the names of ANY actors, unless at that moment I have NO use for his or her name. However, if I do need to recall the name, it will not happen. My brain has critical errors when trying to access the hard drive. So, I was happy when you said “he’s the guy that played in…” Its great.

    Also, midwesterners don’t really have an accent. Seriously, its like we are up here stuck between southern accents, and northern. The people here talk very normally, accent wise. No twang, or other language influence (unless they are Amish, then they speak a mix of german/english) And they think I sound like a hick-a-ma-bob. They DO, though, have weird meanings for some words or phrases. For example, instead of the classic “y’all” (which I still use unabashedly) they say ‘you’uns.’ Yeah. Dumb, right. You’uns. Also, when they say “a minute”, as in “its been there for a minute”, we think that means, like a minute, as in 60 seconds. Well, to the people here in the midwest, that means what we mean when we say “a while”. So, instead of saying, “don’t eat that chicken in the frige, its been there awhile”, they’d say, “don’t eat that chicken in the refrigerator, its been there a minute.” That seriously messes with my brain. I mean, a minute is , by definition, a short amount of time. Why reverse that? It kills me.

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