I picked out the movie we watched last night. “Welcome to the Rileys.”
I had seen the trailer for this movie while watching some other movie that I cannot remember right now. But I recalled that it did look promising.
Doug, played by James Gandolfini (*Zohrmom: This is the guy that played in the Sopranos) and his wife, Lois, played by someone I’ve never seen before, lose their only daughter at age 15 in a car accident. Doug finds himself in New Orleans at a conference for plumbing suppliers where he happens to stumble into a strip club, and begins a journey with a 16 year old runaway from Florida, Mallory, played by Kristen “I couldn’t act my way out of paper bag, even if glittery vampires aren’t involved” Stewart. Lois comes down from Iowa or Idaho or wherever and Doug and Lois to help Mallory get out of the stripping and prostitution bidness that she’s resorted to to survive. The catch to all this is that they’ve found a “little girl” to save after so many years of wishing they could have saved their own. Okay. Groundwork. Laid.
*Zohrmom does not know the names of any actors or famous people. Except for Clint Eastwood and Meryl Streep. So I have to associate other things so that she knows who I am talking about. This is especially hard for me, because I am the Queen of “You know, that one guy, who played in that one show, with that one girl?”
Seeing New Orleans in the movie was cool. The cool factor ended abruptly right. there.
James Gandolfini cannot fake a midwestern accent if he was paid large sums of cash to do so, apparently. Kristen Stewart doesn’t know how to do anything but pout and whip her hair around. Although, she was also quite adept at throwing the “p” and “f” words around, as it were. Who knew?
It was terrible. Not good. At all. Waste o’ money and time. I could have watched a couple of DVR’d episodes of Hoarders or Real Housewives Miami, Atlanta, Beverly Hills, or New Jersey. (Hey! How come they don’t have a Real Housewives of New Orleans??) Anyways, it was literally 2 hours of my life I’ll never get back. And as my friend Wayne would say…Good Lord, Kristen Stewart, my ears are not garbage cans!
All that being said, “Welcome to the Rileys” was still better than “Secretariat”. So, I’m still ahead in the running.