My Mama Taught Me How to Clean…


Since I made SUCH a big deal about how stupid excited I was about having hired someone to clean my house, yous guys deserve a status update about how it’s going.  Two weeks in, I thanked her for her time and terminated our “relationship”.  I broke up with my housekeeper.  I am disappointed, to say the least.

Riddle me this, Batman:  When you clean a room (and I mean REALLY clean a room, as though someone were PAYING you to clean that room), would you leave, oh, say…crumbs on the couch?  Would you neglect to move canisters and bread boxes to clean the countertops, or ignore backsplashes behind stovetops?  Maybe I’m too picky.  [I only said that in jest, I’m totally not THAT picky, but my mama taught me how to clean and honey, you gotta move the shit OFF the counter!]  Maybe the fact that my house was dirty resulted in an assumption being made that I wasn’t very particular at all.  But, if it were clean and up to my usual standards, then why would I have hired someone to clean it?? 

I'm stumped.

Sigh.  I guess I’m doomed to clean my dumb house forever.  And it still won’t be up to my standards because physically I just can’t do it all.  In one day.  Or two.  It will never be ALL clean AT THE SAME TIME is all I’m saying.  And you know what?  There are bigger problems in the world.  I recognize that.  So, I guess I’ll just pick up my broom and all-purpose cleaner and get to work.  And stop bitching about it.  And if you come over, be forewarned:  It’s not immaculate.  But I’ll be doing the best I can do, I assure you.

Don’t bother to recommend another service or person or robot or even a superhero to me, I’m like a forlorn lover emotionally right now, and it will take me some time to trust again…

First the Coffee Pot, then the God-forsaken Sony Dream Machine, and now this.  At least it provides a reason to be melancholy during this last cold-snap of the season.  I’ll be in the corner sobbing if you need me.  

Poor shoulderless girl…you couldn’t even say “Chin up!” to her. She lacks bony protrusions altogether. I wish we could see her knees.

Eh.  Maybe my house being clean all the time is not that important.  Things could be worse.  I could NOT have shoulders.   Go on, say it: “Suck it up, Zohrbak.  Google some photos of clean houses and feed your need for order and tidiness…and shuddup already.” 

Okay, Dear Reader…okay.  I hear ya.  

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About zohrbak

Zohrbak is an old email username I had a while back...it's a made-up twist on two characters from Spaceghost. Zorak and Brak. I'm a geek. I am a married, working mother of 4 children, ages 4-15. I also have interests outside of my children, but I can never remember what they are.
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4 Responses to My Mama Taught Me How to Clean…

  1. spiceblogger says:

    ugh! such a disappointment! When you’re emotionally ready, you need to try again. Thru trial and error, you’ll find someone who speaks the same cleaning lingo as you. There is someone out there. Don’t give up on love…of a clean house. 😉

  2. ZOHRMOM says:

    what you need to do is find someone who will offer a half price introductory offer to see how well she (or he) cleans. Never again pay extra for the first time! I will help all I can, but alas, the ole girl ain’t what she used to be… I know what I can do! I can help you train your kids to do specific jobs on weekends or after school and you can pay them accordingly. I am perfectly able to sit and dictate how many times they do it until it gets done right (as you well know) lol

  3. If you’re still interested in having someone come in I can speak to my mom… she works with a girl who cleans houses on the side. Just lemme know! 🙂

  4. Miz Tiz says:

    why after only 2 weeks………..couldn’t you tell her that what she did wasn’t enough and then give her another try the next week? Or, maybe you did that and it didn’t improve. I find that people (like kids) need to be taught your standards and you can’t assume they were born knowing that……………………still, if she cleans for a living, hmmmmmm

    Anyway, I like the suggestion of a trial cleaning for 1/2 price. And when you are ready again, I do know someone who is thorough and could use the money.

    My own housekeeper is sweet as pie, dense as a post, and has no common sense. She does what I ask, but she does not think up ideas on her own. Even when I tell her, she sometimes goes about that in a weird way (like not logical). This, however, is not the person I was talking about recommending to you. Don’t worry—–the person I meant has good sense.

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