1. There’s no such thing as paperwork.
2. Cars require no maintenance or repair. Never.
3. Children never get sick.
4. Everything I cook tastes terrific.
5. I haven’t burned a hole in my stomach with too much coffee and ibuprofen.
6. There’s no such thing as “too much coffee.”
7. My kid doesn’t need to be introduced to a new adult with a 3 page letter of explanation.
8. There’s no such thing as Fibromyalgia.
9. The temperature is always a perfect 68 degrees Fahrenheit.
10. Pollen is not a prerequisite for Spring.
11. The cat doesn’t get into the house every time someone opens a door.
12. My house is self-cleaning.
13. Mary Poppins herself plants and maintains a vegetable garden in my back yard each year.
14. I can buy a week’s worth of groceries for the amount of money I actually have budgeted for a week’s worth of groceries.
15. The big dumb ugly white boat in my front yard doesn’t exist. Never did.
16. Witnesses who need to be interviewed before their depositions do not evade my phone calls and actually ARE “happy to help”.
17. Medical records summarize themselves. On demand.
18. Health insurance pays 100%, 100% of the time.
19. Kids don’t bother one another. Or me.
20. Alarm clocks and coffee pots never fail you.
21. My dog NEVER needs grooming. And NEVER gets out of the fence and gets those little round green sticky things matted in her hair.
22. Pipes don’t burst.
23. Gas prices are reasonable.
24. There are no deadlines.
25. Robots exist for the sole purpose of housekeeping and carpooling.
26. People don’t suck.
27. I have an abundance of patience and don’t even know what “PMS” means.
28. All my clothes fit right and every day is a good hair day.
29. Money DOES grow on trees.
30. All of my family and friends are happy and healthy.
31. When spilled lemonade dries, it is not sticky.
32. Procrastination is a highly regarded character trait and a sign of high intelligence.
33. People empty their pockets of things like personal electronic devices and lipgloss BEFORE they put their dirty clothes in the hamper.
34. War? What war?
35. My book has already been written and published.
How about YOU?