It’s hardly a secret amongst my friends that I watch The Real Housewives…but they (and by “they” I mean “you”) might be surprised to know how much of a big deal this is to me. First of all, since there is a series for nearly every major city in North America, I am having to watch this show in one of its forms two or three times a week. And then there’s the spin off…Bethenny Ever After…but that’s a whole other story.
It started out rather slowly. I think the first one I got hooked on was RH of Atlanta. It was trashy and ridiculous and I started watching it because it was like a train wreck. You just can’t look away. And then I started to really get into it. The catfights, the bad makeup, the catfights, the ‘Southern Belle’ mentality, the name calling, the catfights…it was just so detached from my own life, that it was like watching a soap opera (which I’ve never really been into, either, by the way.) Then, I started watching RH of New Jersey. This was even better! They all throw money around like it’s toilet paper, and one of the favorite smack talk lines is “I heard your house is in foreclosure” which is usually met with a stern hairpulling or table flipping. It’s nuts. Crazy. That led to RH of Beverly Hills. Now, these broads REALLY have money. I mean really really have money. Legitimate money. Oldschool money. This was fascinating. There were still catfights and name-calling and the occasional bitch slap, but they were all set in opulent rooms or aside amazing landscaped gardens…it was like a whole new world that I’d never been invited into before. I decided it was definitely worth the ridicule I would surely suffer at the hands of my husband to go ahead and try each city’s version. You get to experience how the women interact with one another from worlds you’ve never even been to. So next came Orange County, New York, then D.C., and finally Miami.
Here’s my favorite/least favorite things about each:
D.C. – It was dumb. I hated it. So did everyone else, apparently. They were not picked up for a second season.
Miami: Season 1 just ended. Ridiculous. And I don’t mean that in a good way. I couldn’t even understand what they were saying because they talk with that Latina spicy quick-step and I just can’t keep up with that at 9:00 p.m. Central Standard Time. I did watch every episode, however.
Atlanta: No one really has money, they are all trying to GET money, through their newfound fame. Women who can’t even use words in the correct context are suddenly aspiring authors, etc. However, the southern drawl and the oldschool bitch slap are too good to miss, so this will be a long time favorite of mine.
New Jersey: I haven’t seen “Mob Wives” (because for obvious reasons I now try my very hardest to avoid reality shows altogether, since I obviously have uncontrollable compulsions when it comes to these) but this is as close as I imagine any group of women coming to this title, sans the hidden rooms in the attic for their guns and ammunition. A common quote is, “I will not sit here….and listen to anyone….attack my family….because my family….and I are thick as theives….and if you mess with someone in my family….then you mess with me….” All storylines circle around this concept on this show.
Beverly Hills: Kyle’s husband is hot. And Camille Grammar (I refuse to google her to check the spelling of her last name) is delusional and borderline psychotic with a dash (as in an ASSLOAD) of narcissism. All the women are dripping with jewels and look like a walking billboard for their favorite plastic surgeon. The word Fabulous is used very often, and the application of that word is usually dead on.
Orange County: If you took Beverly Hills, stuck it in a blender, added some Atlanta and a dash of orange juice, you’d get Real Housewives of Orange County.
New York: I just started watching RH of NY this season. What strikes me the most about NY is how so rude all these women are. There are no holds barred. No one ices anything over or tries to be nice. It’s like they just say whatever the hell comes into their head. And they don’t care. And no one cries when one of the other women are mean to them, because they do the same thing all the time too. They are like a bunch of heartless wenches in Jimmy Choos.
What’s more, there’s a spin off series from the New York edition: Bethenny Frankel (former cast member) got her own show, first Bethenny Getting Married and now Bethenny Ever After. I am not lying when I tell you that I have sort of a little chick crush on her. She’s the funniest person on the planet. She is anxious and neurotic and says “balls” a lot. I totally heart her. She’s my fav. And I didn’t even watch RH of NY when she was on it. I bought her recent book “A Place of Yes” on iTunes (audiobook). It’s not as funny as I hoped it would be. It’s pretty serious, actually. She’s only said “balls” twice so far, and I’m on like Chapter 8.
My confession today is this: I have gone completely overboard with this crap. I need to make a list of my priorities in life, and spend my time on this planet more effectively. I could spend that hour working on my book (though I wouldn’t be able to focus at such an hour on writing); I could spend that time with my children (but I send them to bed 30 minutes before it comes on); or I could clean something (clean something after dark? Oh hell no!) Screw it. Who am I kidding? Not you, dear reader…I know not you.