I am. You just can’t believe a word I say. Be forewarned, friends, neighbors, readers…I’m a liar. I can’t be trusted.
Example No. 1: “Mom, can I sleep in your bed tonight?” Me: “No, Little A, you can’t.” A: “Why not?” Me: “Because I have a fever and I don’t want you to get sick.” A: “Oh, okay. I hope you feel better.” Me: “Thanks, baby. Goodnight.” Did I, in fact, have a fever? No. I haven’t had a fever in years. But if I’ve learned anything as a mother it’s this: You just can’t argue with the fear of spreading an illness. It works on “Mama, can I have a sip of your drink?” as well.
Example No. 2: “Mom, can so and so or such and such spend the night tonight?” Me: “No.” Tween C: “Why not?” Me: “We’ve got a lot going on right now.” Do we, in fact, have a lot going on? Yes, we usually do have a lot going on. Hell, preparing a meal for all 6 of us (which happens at least once per day, 7 days per week) constitutes “a lot going on” in my book. But usually I just say this because I just don’t want to have to wear a bra on Saturday just because somebody else’s kid is at my house. And it’s just so much easier to lie than to admit that I am too lazy to wear a bra. Or smile at a stranger. Yeah, I’m just that lazy some days.
Example No. 3: “What do you want me to cook for supper?” Me: “I don’t care, what do you want?” Zohrhubby: “How about cabbage and ham?” Oh, yeah, cabbage and ham. Zohrhubby’s old standby. Number one: I hate ham. It’s porky. And cabbage? I like cabbage okay, but honestly, it makes me swell up like a balloon. It’s just not cool. However, I am usually either too lazy to think of an alternative to the suggestion, or go to the store on my way home to get anything else, so I BALD-FACE lie and say, “Yeah, okay. That sounds fine.” But I die a little inside. Another related lie is this, “Oh, wow, this is really good, boo.” To be fair, most of the time it IS good. But you can bet your ass that even if it’s just kinda good, or even if it’s barely edible, this will be said by me at dinner. Why? That’s the smartest way to ensure that your cooking husband CONTINUES to be a cooking husband. My mama didn’t raise no dummy.
Example No. 4: “Do you get the argument I’m making in this brief?” Me: “Yeah, totally… and I agree with you 100%. It’s a no-brainer.” No. No I didn’t. I slept through the majority of the argument while typing it. It’s easier to type with your eyes closed, after all. And I hope we win, but beyond that, I really don’t care. But, the fact that I like and need my job is evidenced by the fact that I care enough to lie to my boss when asked a direct question like this. Yeah, I’m a committed employee. That’s right.
So, there you have it. My confession is that I am a big fat liar. Next time you ask me a direct question, know this about me: I love you enough to lie to your face. And I will lie so well that you’ll never doubt me for a minute. Of course, now that I’ve told you that, I wouldn’t dare try to pull such a thing on you. Now would I? 🙂