Motherhoodism: Fail–Death by Comet

Sometimes a mother has inclinations or instincts that she should recognize and act upon.  Sometimes she is too lazy and/or forgetful, and then she pays a hefty price.  This is a story of just that…please read on.

Yesterday morning, whilst I was getting ready for work, I noticed that a new canister of Comet with Bleach, you know the old-school powder stuff, was just sitting there in plain view and within easy reach of the little ones.  I thought to myself, “Self, you really should put that away.”  I then continued to fix my hair.  A little while later, Little B came in to the laundry room to start getting ready for school.  “What’s THIS?” he asked, having been drawn like a magnet towards the one thing in the room he shouldn’t mess with, of course.  “It’s a cleaner, but don’t mess with that, I need to put it away.”  “Why can’t I mess with it?” he asked.  “Because.  It’s got chemicals in it.  It could hurt you.”  “Why?  What are chemicals?”  “Chemicals are the stuff they put in cleaners and stuff to kill germs.” “Oh!  Could they kill me?”  “Well, I don’t know, but they could hurt you so just leave it alone.”  “But answer me, it’s just a yes or no question.  Could it kill me or not?”  “I guess, technically it could kill you, so please just leave it alone, okay?”  “Okay.  But how do chemicals kill germs?”  “I don’t know, B…I really need to finish getting ready.  Why don’t you ask your teacher about that, okay?”  “Okay!” 

The morning then moved on as usual.  I never thought again about putting away the Comet.  I think you know where this is going, but humor me here.  It’s a better story than you think.

Yesterday when I got home from work, Little B told mentioned in passing that he had talked to his teacher about chemicals, and she had told him some stuff.  I wasn’t listening really well, but I am pretty sure she passed on some valuable warnings to B about chemicals, sealing the deal about him leaving them alone.  In a not-so-rare moment of motherhoodism failure, it did not occur to me that I had forgotten to put away the Comet.

Dinner time rolled around.  After dinner, it was B’s turn to take a bath.  I went outside with my co-dependant dog after dinner, which is customary, because she finds it very difficult to relieve herself when outside of my presence.  We do this every evening for about 20 minutes.  When I came inside, I was filled in on what had occurred in my absence.

It seems that no one (and by no one I mean “me”) had thought to fill Little A in on the “Chemicals can kill you” information.  She took it upon herself to go into the laundry room, open the Comet, and sprinkle it all over the laundry room floor.  She apparently backed her way down the hall and into the bathroom, where Little B was playing in the tub.  She began slinging the Comet in the air, and when Little B realized what was happening, he began to scream, “A!  Stop that!  That’s CHEMICALS!  You are going to KILL US!!” And he leapt from the tub, and ran down the hallway, wet and naked, to let Zohrhubby know that an A had unleashed an Apocalypse in the bathroom.  He slipped while running down the hall and busted his butt, causing a louder and even more emergent scream to come from his body.  Zohrhubby jumped up, not knowing what was going on, but hearing the sheer terror coming from B…something about A trying to kill him and that she was still in there and she was going to die!

Zohrhubby, you see, had not been privy to the conversations about the Comet and the chemicals and the impending doom, and therefore he was very confused and upset by what was happening.  He DID understand once he arrived on the scene of the crime, that both kids had to now be decontaminated in the shower, and so he took care of that right away.  Tween C, meanwhile, was cleaning up the Comet as best she could with a broom and a wet towel. 

We managed to calm B down, and assured him that Zohrhubby’s swift action had saved he and his sister’s lives.  Little A got “the talk” about the Comet and the chemicals and the death, and she seemed to truly regret that she had nearly ended both her brother’s life and her own.

Zohrhubby had to be filled in on the background story so he would understand Little B’s complete mental breakdown.  Doing so required me to admit to another human being that I knew the Comet was there, I had considered the need for me to put it away, and then I had walked away from it.  Not once…not twice…but THREE TIMES. 

There were warning signs all over the place, and I ignored all of them.  This is yet one more example of how shocking it is to me that God placed not one, not two, but FOUR children in my care. 

I can’t wait for Little B to head to school today and tell his teacher about his brush with death by chemical annihilation last night. 

 What a great parent I am.  Just awesome.  Right?!


About zohrbak

Zohrbak is an old email username I had a while's a made-up twist on two characters from Spaceghost. Zorak and Brak. I'm a geek. I am a married, working mother of 4 children, ages 4-15. I also have interests outside of my children, but I can never remember what they are.
This entry was posted in bad kids, Bad mother, crazy kids, Family, Humor, Parenthood, The Joys of Parenthood and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

26 Responses to Motherhoodism: Fail–Death by Comet

  1. Just Aimee says:

    HAHAHAHAHAH! That is freakin hilarious!!! Thank You! I needed such a laugh this morning.

    However, being the positive me that I always try to be……AT LEAST THE LAUNDRY ROOM FLOOR IS GERM FREE. 🙂

    • zohrbak says:

      There is residual white powder dried in huge swirls on the floor in the laundry room and the hallway. B spent all morning “jumping” over the death swirls. I’m considering leaving it there for prophylactic purposes. 🙂

  2. Just Aimee says:

    Also, in light of our impending vacation together, I thought I would share something…ya know, just to encourage you in that my parenting is equally as skewed, but in another way, and there is no telling what sort of affect that difference may have on your children as they interact with mine.

    Of course, I think we may be lucky to return to our respective homes with all 8, and ourselve s intact.

    Did you forget to tell your readers that you and I are attempting a vacation with the 2 of us, and 8 entire children? I can’t remember. (Yes, of course ENTIRE children, we can’t leave parts of them home.)

    Anyway, we were folding laundry last night (MY two dumb teenagers, and one of their dumb teenage friends, and my husband…essentially the same as the dumb teenagers). The flow of conversation somehow brought us to Military Letters….like Alpha, Bravo, Charlie, Delta, Foxtrot…those. We looked them all up, and discussed.

    Now, my teenagers are 17 and a half, and 15 and a half. If they say “shit” in my presence, honestly, I don’t even care. I say that shit all the time. See. No, I don’t like F-bombs, or nasty talk, and I don’t let them talk that way around my two little kids even though I do sometimes, bc those little boys IDOLIZE the big boys, and the are little like little audible xerox machines. What I mean is the occasional shit, or damn, or hell, just really isn’t a big deal to me.

    We somehow got onto the subject of this vacation…the impending vacation… with your kids, specifically the little ones. I told them they absolutely could not use that language in front of B & A. No tolerance.

    So, they devised a code. The military letter words are to replace any and all curse or other unacceptable words…by first letter. So, if your kids start using phrases like “Son of a BRAVO”! “What kind of nasty SIERRA is this you are making for dinner?”, or any other colorful military replacement in lieu of much more terrible things, you can thank me later.


  3. ZOHRMOM says:

    I just think maybe someone should warn the state of Arkansas that ya’ll are coming! ROFLMAO!!!
    BTW, wonder how long it took to relate the entire horrifying story to Little B’s teacher!

    • zohrbak says:

      That’s not a bad idea. I may have to draft an open letter to the State of Arkansas Department of Tourism…you just inspired a new blog post. Yay!

  4. YaYa says:

    Thank goodness this didn’t happen tomorrow and you didn’t tell Little B about the end of the world coming!! HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!

    • zohrbak says:

      Oh, dear Jesus, please don’t let the talk on the playground turn to the end of days being tomorrow. He’ll never forgive me if his birthday does not come in exactly 13 days…

  5. spiceblogger says:

    First of all: that story was hilarious! I can see poor Little B terrified that his sister was bringing death by chemical upon the two of them.
    And secondly: Thank. You. Aimee. I will now use this newfound curse method, esp on Fb where it becomes tedious to try to replace all the letters in bad words with $@*&!

  6. Summer says:

    I laughed out loud. OUT. LOUD. That was hysterical.

  7. Too funny! You must be doing something right… hell, at least it was Comet & not pot! I mean, c’mon.

  8. Zohrcuz says:

    Your Aunt Helen used to scrub us with Comet once a month. We also used to have to step into a bucket of bleach water before we could come into the house. I’m laughing to myself because if she were still alive, you could threaten to send your kids to Aunt Helen if they misbehave. Hey, I may be on to something here. I’ll have to review the extended family quirks and arm myself with ammunition.

    Last night’s chaos made me smile. I so totally get it.

    • zohrbak says:

      I remember how clean her house was. It was amazing. And my mom tells so many stories about starched and ironed blue jeans and stuff…She was an amazing person. But I can see how if she were alive today the threat of having to “go see Aunt Helen” would be a viable threat! lol!

    • ZOHRMOM says:

      and Zohrcuz is not even kidding! Remember your toys being thrown away day after Christmas if they were caught on the floor! Helen laughed at herself as she got older…I really do remember the bleach bucket by the back steps on the levee road when R, L and I were little.

      • zohrcuz says:

        It’s too bad she couldn’t have relaxed a bit. I cringe at the thought of what she’d think of my housekeeping skills. I like a clean house as well as the next person but it’s not my entire life.

        I’ve been known to get on a “Helen tear” around here regarding the kids’ stuff and yes, I’ve been known to throw stuff out right in front of them.

        They’ll survive, I did.

  9. Zohrsis says:

    I ccan see this entire episode played out in my mind! Hilarious!!

  10. Miz Tiz says:

    Paraphrased quote from Julia Sugarbaker, a worthy role model if ever there was one:

    “This is the South. We don’t wonder if people have crazy relatives. We know they do and in the South we don’t try to hide them from view. We put them right out there in the living room for everyone to see.”

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