So much going on right now, my crazy little head is spinning.
Some of you are already aware that we got a diagnosis for Little B this week. I’m emotionally disconnected it from it right now. It’s not like it changes anything that we have already been going through for the last three years or so, but it solidifies our fears. It’s hard to explain how something can give you hope and at the same time make you even more fearful of the future. His diagnosis is Pervasive Developmental Disorder-NOS. It’s a mild form of autism. It’s what I’ve basically suspected for some time…but hearing a doctor confirm it brought up so many conflicting emotions I’ve all but blocked it out the last few days. I was lucky to have been introduced to a group of mothers of autistic children recently, and their words and guidance have really made me feel terrific about our chances at a more normal future than our present. I just went with that. Yesterday, after Little B’s birthday party, we went to a friend of mine’s house to pick up a tiny secret puppy that we adopted, and I started talking to her about Little B’s diagnosis. She has a 19 year old daughter who I’ve always recognized as “special” but I didn’t ask specific questions about what was the cause of her apparent problems. My friend told me last night that she has a similar disorder as Little B, it’s called “Sensory Disintegration Disorder” and it’s also on the autistic spectrum. Her daughter was diagnosed at age 7, and has been treated extensively. I was immediately sad and disheartened when I realized that my friend’s struggles and therapy, in my honest opinion, haven’t really panned out as well as I have hoped that Little B’s will. I have been assuming that at some point in near future, he will be “okay” and “normal” and the same as all the other kids. This new realization sort of hit me like a ton of bricks. What if he’s not? What if he’s never “normal”. And what the hell is “normal” anyway? If he changes for what some people would think was the “better”, will he be the same kid? I love him. I don’t know if I ever want him to change. But I don’t want him to stay the same, either. I’m so conflicted now that I can’t even handle it. I’m checking out for a while.
On another note, Little B’s party was a humongous success. He was giddy and excited and loved every minute of the attention and the Spongebob Cupcake cake, Spongebob pinata and his presents. It was great.
The puppy is cute, but I’m already sort of over it. The little kids have run around squeeling over the damn thing for the past 12 hour, and it whined all night because we weren’t holding it when it was supposed to be sleeping. We were trying to think of names for the dog this morning. Since she is tee-niny (that’s a southern word meaning ‘very small’ by the way), Big E asked me what the Spanish word for “Big” is. “Hugo,” I replied. “Oh, well what’s the feminine version of it?” “There isn’t a feminine version.” “What?! Why not? Aren’t there any fat chicks in Mexico?”
So, if you can think of a good name that flows with my co-dependent dog, Daisy, who is scared to death of the tee-niny death machine that she just hides behind me and shivers, then please offer it up. Right now the closest thing we’ve come to an acceptable name is Bella, and I’m not totally feeling that one.
And finally, we (me and the kids) leave for vacation on Sunday. We are meeting my friend and Dear Reader Just Aimee and her 4 boys in Fairfield Bay, Arkansas to stay until Thursday. As Zohrmom indicated earlier, someone should notify the State of Arkansas that we are coming. You know, just because.
I’d also like to say that the words of encouragement and support that I’ve gotten from so many of you in the past week and even over the past few months have really made me feel better. It makes me feel so much better to know that I’ve got a little team behind me. Thank you. I mean gracias. Hugo time.