I have two dogs in my life now. That’s not a euphemism, Dear Readers, that’s a fact. And they are so different. I think that Daisy, my co-dependent Yorkie is feeling a little put out about the fact that I find the new puppy completely adorbs. She’s a tiny Yorkie-Chihuahua mix, or a Chorkie (or a Yorkie-Huahua). I am smitten. She’s so tiny and cute and happy and bubbly and energetic, I could just eat her up in small doses. But she’s kinda like a new baby that I didn’t give birth to (on second thought, that’s exactly what she is), and I want to hold her and kiss her and love her for a few minutes, and then I happily turn her over to her mother (who happens to be Teen C). That almost makes her more desirable. You know what I mean?
Anyway, the new puppy has been dubbed “Zero”, after a week or more of online polling, various familial submissions, tests and trials…and then by happenstance, Little B refused to call her by any of the proposed names, and he settled on calling her “The Zero Year Old Dog.” Because, as might be obvious, she is not yet one, which makes her zero years old. And “puppy” seemed to informal for my B. So, there you have it. Zero she is. I’m not sure yet what happens when she turns one next April. B keeps up with the exact ages of everyone he knows. Family, friends, pets, etc. So, he will be fully aware when this transpires. Perhaps she will then be “One”. Who the heck knows.
This post is dedicated to settling the score. Daisy feels like she’s been “outdone” by this new energetic kid. Who’s better? Zero or Daisy?
Let’s explore that, based on several different criteria important to any pet owner:
Okay. This is obvious. I’m not saying that Daisy isn’t cute, but she’s no rock star, let’s face it. Zero is cute naked. She’s cute when you bath her (which you can do in a coffee cup). She is cute when you dress her in doll clothes.
Daisy couldn’t pull off an outfit at. all. First of all, she is the largest Yorkie in the world, weighing in at 16 pounds. If you put her in a cute dress she’d look like a 19 year-old washed up child star trying to play a chunky 8 year old in a B movie produced in 1987.
Daisy: 1 Zero: 5
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, Daisy is a high-maintenance, co-dependant dog. She has an eating disorder. She can’t relieve herself in the yard if I am out of her eyesight. You have to ensure that she doesn’t get out of the yard, not because she won’t come back, but because SHE WILL COME BACK, her hair all matted and laden with the toxic fumes of a long-dead animal. I don’t know how she finds this stuff, but she does, and it only takes a few minutes and your whole day just got ruined. Daisy is well house-trained however, the occasional accident occurs only of the kids fail to let her out during the day. Apparently, if she knows I have a valid excuse for not being outside with her, i.e., I’m at work, she is able to go potty alone.
Zero, on the other hand, is hungry all the time, content to nip and bark and hop and run, whether anyone participates with her or not. Her hair is short but soft. She has not mastered the art of house training. She will run and bark and drag large sticks around outside for 20 minutes, and then come in and pee right there at your feet. On the upside, her bladder is approximately the size of a marble. So, her puddles can be cleaned up with a dinner napkin. And I don’t have any carpet. On the downside, her bladder is approximately the size of a marble. So, while her puddles are small, there is the capacity to have like 400 of them per day.
Daisy: 0.5 Zero: 2
Daisy: Outweighing Zero by approximately 100%, you’d think it would cost more to feed her. Wrong. She eats about the same amount as you know who. (See my earlier reference to an eating disorder).
Zero: If the vet charged by the pound, this dog would be free. Unfortunately, that’s not the case.
Daisy: 1 Zero: 1
Daisy defaults to the least common denominator on an energy level scale. In other words, there could be 6 kids at my house running and playing and yelling and screaming, and if someone else is there watching tv, she will be in that person’s lap napping. I think this may have something to do with her eating disorder. But I’m not a medical doctor.
Zero’s energy level is through the roof.
Daisy: 15 Zero: 0 [You thought I was going somewhere else with this comparison, no? I’m all about napping and chillin’, people, and this is a subjective sliding scale and I am the judge]
Daisy: There’s something to be said about a dog who wants nothing more than to sleep, but when her favorite human (yes, that would be me) gets out of the bed to use the bathroom, she begrudgingly gets up and accompanies me to the toilet. She sits at my feet and waits for me to come back to bed. When we get there, she “plops” down and her oversized frame shakes the bed. She has to be touching me when she sleeps, which sometimes bothers me, so I lay down and quickly extend my leg out, so that she can get comfortable and go to sleep…and then when she falls asleep 27 seconds later, I pull my leg back in to my side of the bed. I usually get away with this for at least 20 minutes or so. When I wake up in the morning, she’s usually made her way up to my pillow, and I open my eyes to her ass in my face. When I’m fixing my hair and putting on makeup, she jumps up in the chair and sits between me and the back of the chair. She knows I’m about to go to work, and she’s trying to get in all the quality time with me that she can. It’s sort of pathetic. And sweet. (And I’m a pushover for pathetic and sweet).
Zero: She doesn’t have a favorite human yet. She’s keen on everyone but the little kids, who she tries to hide from. She sleeps with Teen C. I can’t take much more than 10 minutes at a time with her. She’s all buzzed out and annoying after about that much time. But those first few seconds are sheer joy. She just makes you happy. And then you get over it. (Or at least I do).
Daisy: 47 Zero: .6
So, the totals are: DAISY: 64.50 ZERO: 9.60
Clearly, we have a winner.
I think I’ll by her an outfit on my way home.